The Female Curse

Here you are

Late again

Never with joy

Always with pain

Maybe chocolate

Will keep me sane

Until the cramps

Begin to wane

Until then

I’ll make it plain

Do not heed

My addled brain

I’ll try my best

Focus to regain

And wash away

This human stain

Cat Fight

I know he can’t be mine

She said

But now he’ll never be yours

If only he’d grow a spine

She said

And just choose one of us

‘First Dates’

She awoke that morning to the sound of the bells. Those fucking incessant church bells that plagued her every Sunday morning. She opened one eye to the world and, as the daylight scorched her alcohol soaked retina, she quickly closed it again. Fucking tequila, she murmured. Never again. Yeah, right.

Then she remembered. Shit. She tentatively slid her hand across the mattress. She felt his presence before she heard his snore. Fucking tequila, she murmured again. Bollocks.

She took a deep breath and forced both of her eyes open to absorb the piercing light this time. The bells had stopped thank fuck. One less thing to deal with.

She sat up, carefully, and embraced the world. She wasn’t ready to wake the man whose name she had forgotten – or in truth had never known – just yet.

She crawled, with great difficulty, from the bed. Every bone feeling like a dead weight, she managed to pull last nights shirt over her head and stumble to the kitchen.

She took a glass from the draining board and filled it with ice cold water from the stainless steel tap. She revelled in the smooth taste cleansing her mouth, her throat and her head. She glugged down four paracetamol and proceeded to the bathroom to wash the lingering taste of the man from her mouth.

She looked at herself in the mirror. I look like I feel, she thought, and I feel like shit. Still, first things first. She needed to get this fucker out. Composing herself and her aching limbs she strode into the bedroom; clapping her hands loudly as she stepped.

‘Rise and shine sleeping beauty’ she croaked. ‘Time to go’. The mound of stale sweat, alcohol and drool lay motionless under the duvet. ‘I said come on motherfucker – move’. She shouted louder this time pairing her cry with a swift kick to what she hoped was his kidney area. The man whimpered as he rolled over on to his front.

‘Just come back to bed, babe’ he muttered sleepily.

‘Babe? Are you fucking shitting me mate? Just get the fuck out of my bed!’ She was shaking him now as he heaved himself upright. Dazed and confused he looked into her eyes, realisation slowly dawning that if he wanted to keep his testicles intact he’d better not argue. He hurriedly dressed as she shooed him out of the bedroom and pushed him out of the flat – the front door knocking him over as he pulled on his boots.

‘Well, thanks for that and everything. But I won’t be calling you again’ she snipped.

‘But, I..’ was all she heard before she slammed the door in his puzzled, but albeit pretty cute, face.

She stalked back to bed, vowing never to drink tequila again.

Yeah, right.

(Originally Posted 06.03.2019)

Magnificent Bastards

To
all
those
men
out
there

You
know
who
you
are

Breaking
hearts
without
a care

Yet
kissing
better
the
scar

Do
you
think
you
could
just
reign
it in

And
be a
better
man?

For
you
might
be
okay

Living
your
life
that
way

But
I don’t
think
I can

The Disengagement Party

I saw you looking

Over dinner

Your smile discreet

Hers a winner

I realised there

Was something more

When she sashayed

To the dance floor

I knew it then

In revelatory style

It’s obvious we

Won’t walk up the ailse

‘Women’s Problems’

Bleeding

From
the
inside
out

What
the
fuck

Is
that
all
about?

But a
painful
reminder

That
for
one
week
in
four

You’re
here to
procreate

And
nothing
more

Predators

Twenty three years in prison

Is nowhere near enough

For men like you to realise

We are not your ‘bit of fluff’

Bad Seed

I
wish
there
was a
way

I
could
make
you
see

That
good
boys
like
you

Aren’t
for
bad
girls
like me

Women In Stand Up

You
don’t
half
speak
shite

He
said

Your
patter
couldn’t
be any
wetter

Well
why
don’t
you take
the mic

She
said

And
we’ll
see if
you can
do better

Sinderella

Is that
the time,
he said,
I should
get my
things
and leave

Well don’t
let me
keep you,
she said,
for I have
others
to please

Angels & Devils

Good men
do bad things

And good
women do too

If I was ever that way
inclined again

I’d do bad things
with you

Your Smile

Even though
my heart
currently
resides
in the
deep freeze

Your smile
still has
the power
to make
me go weak
at the knees

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