"All my life's buried here, heap earth upon it"
I can remember when I wrote this
Even though it was some time ago
I was lying in bed
Alone in my head
When that song came on the radio
I’d heard it many times before, of course
As it played through my headphones
But this time was different
As my tears fell quicker, and
I felt it in my bones
‘Silence Like A Cancer Grows…’
Back here alone
In this room again
With the darkness
My old friend
Praying for someone
My wounds to tend
Ever hopeful
This pain will end
(Originally Posted 13.07.2020)
And now
that
I am
better,
it seems,
you have
taken a
turn for
the worse
But you
won’t talk
to me,
despite
my plea,
which
is really
the most
perverse
Crutches
I fear
I have
lent on
you once
too often,
and now
you are
as broken
as me.
I should
never have
asked for
your help,
to be
honest,
as now
you’ll never
be free.
(Originally Posted 11.07.2019)
Sounds like I was sick of platitudes
Back when I wrote this one
Had enough of condescending attitudes
When all was said and done
Yet as I think about it now
I’d love to hear them again
But sympathy disappears
When it falls on deaf ears
And eventually you run out of friends
No Consolation
There’s
no
point
in
crying
Over
spilt
milk
God
loves
you
for
trying
Blah
blah
blah
(Originally Posted 10.07.2020)
Let’s go have some fun
He said
Eat, drink and be merry
That’s nowhere near enough
She said
To persuade me to bite the cherry
One Week On
What
exactly
am I
missing
out on?
Go on
then
please,
explain
It’s
your last
chance to
convince me
To
leave
the
house
again
(Originally Posted 08.07.2020)
Charlatans and con artists
Preying on the weak
Making a pretty penny
Through their lies and false mystique
It’s not that I don’t ‘get it’
Or couldn’t possibly understand
It’s that their ‘gift’
Is a fucking grift
And, quite frankly, should be banned
Sceptical
You can tell me all you want
That you can hear him
But I’ll never believe it’s true
For if he was talking to anyone
From the ‘other side’
Then it would be me, not you
Xxx
(Originally Posted 02.07.2021)
There was a period of time
After he died
When I returned to my old ways
Auditioning random men
As a replacement
All in a drunken haze
Thankfully
It didn’t last
And it proved to be just a phase
As I realised
Pretty quickly
It didn’t help with my malaise
On A Promise
What happens when the music stops
She said
Do we have to go home?
Wherever you end up going
He said
You won’t be going alone
(Originally Posted 01.07.2021)
Pretending I was fine
On that trip
Was just something
I needed to do
So I wiped my eyes
And stifled my cries
In the tent
Next door to you
Camping
The warmth of the sun on your face,
The anticipation of a road trip with friends,
The promise of tall tales around the campfire.
It’s the little things that bring the most joy.
(Originally Posted 28.06.2019)
It has gotten easier
To get out of bed
But life without him
Has not
For there is little relief
From the pain of grief
And that is now my lot
Options
I am amazed, yet again, that I’ve found the courage to get out of bed.
You have no idea how hard it is.
This sustained internal struggle.
The conscious effort required to motivate myself to move.
The strength of belief needed to convince my anxious brain that we can get through the day unscathed.
It’s exhausting.
If only I could return to the naivety of the past.
Travel back to a time when sadness was mere affectation.
Where melancholy was a comforting friend.
And death wasn’t such a viable option.
(Originally Posted 27.06.2019)
If only I could make it better
But there is no way that I can
For you have lost her forever
Just the same as I lost my man
Real Talk
It
hurts
my
heart
To
hear
you
cry
And
watch
you
break
Like
this
As
your
life
Falls
apart
And
you
stare
Into
the
abyss
(Originally Posted 25.06.2020)
Have you thought about moving on
He said
Of starting a life with someone else
It hasn’t even crossed my mind
She said
As I’m more than happy on the shelf
It’s Not The Same Thing
Just think about
What I lost
On the day he died
Then ask yourself
If you were me
When would your tears subside?
(Originally Posted 25.06.2021)
I think that when
I wrote this one
I was trying
Not to be too mean
But believe you me
Nothing was easy
Back
In twenty nineteen
How Are You?
It’s easier to say I’m alright,
Rather then I’m anxious.
It’s easier to say I’m okay,
Rather than I’m outraged.
It’s easier to say I’m better,
Rather than I’m broken.
It’s easier to say I’m good,
Rather than I’m grieving.
It’s easier to say I’m well,
Rather than I’m wasted.
It’s easier to say I’m fine,
Rather than I’m fucked.
(Originally Posted 24.06.2019)
I remember feeling like this
Every day back then
When it would take everything I had
To get up and do it again
Although now I find it easier
With most mornings not as hard
I’d be lying if I didn’t say
Sometimes I’m still caught off guard
5am
Stomach lurching,
Bones aching,
Head pounding,
Heart breaking,
Waking up is never easy.
(Originally Posted 13.06.2019)
I thought about you today.
Twice.
The first, when I sat and re-read this poem.
The second, when I tried to write a response.
It was only then I realised it has been nine hundred and twenty two days since you died.
And I remembered not just what I lost that day, but how much it still hurts now.
And I cried again today.
Twice.
The Corner of My Eye
I thought I saw you today.
Twice.
The first, when you were waiting to cross the road.
The second, when you were ahead of me in the queue at the post office.
It was only when you turned around, and I saw your face, that I realised it wasn’t you.
And I remembered, with a desperate ache, why it could never be you.
And I cried again today.
Twice.
(Originally Posted 10.06.2019)
If only it was
An abyss we shared
Rather than you long gone
And me ill-prepared
Captives
Was it you
Or was it me
Who soldiered on
Too blind to see
It was always destined
To end like this
With both of us falling
Into the abyss
(Originally Posted 10.06.2021)
You were all I had
When he died
And I didn’t know how to cope
I was driven mad
Each time I cried
And you were my only hope
‘The Boy’s No Good… ‘
As
I sit
and
listen
To each
word you
say
All
of my
pain
Simply
ebbs
away
(Originally Posted 06.06.2020)
I travelled a lot that spring
Most of it in a daze
Birthdays, weddings and weekends away
All came and went in a haze
Yet I found consequently
Whatever good time I was shown
I would feel subsequently
That I was very much alone
1000 Miles
The message from the search engine pings.
Its spies inform me that last month I visited:
Three different countries,
Fifteen different cities,
And twenty one different places.
That means I travelled over 1000 miles, last month.
Each one without you.
And every one with an empty heart.
(Originally Posted 03.06.2019)
Crying in the chapel
Many years ago
Missing you intently
And wishing it wasn’t so
Granite
I wish
you were
with me
Gently
squeezing
my hand
Providing
me with
comfort
Helping me
understand
(Originally Posted 28.05.2020)
You never got why
I did what I did
Even now, you couldn’t recall
But I know why
I did what I did
And I don’t regret it, at all
Mine
I don’t want to ‘talk’ about it.
I don’t want to ‘express’ it.
I don’t want to ‘let it out’.
I want to keep this part for me.
A part that’s private.
A part that’s mine and mine alone.
As it should be.
I didn’t share my love and I refuse to share my grief.
So just piss off, the lot of you.
(Originally Posted 03.05.2019)
If I ever write
A book on grief
This will be
The only page
Grief 101
Just smile and nod
Even if what they say
Makes no fucking sense.
It’s better to be polite,
After all,
Than to punch people
In the face.
(Originally Posted 29.04.2019)
It’ll be you next
When the music stops
So I’ll look away
As your heart drops
An Unwanted Gift
You’ll always carry it with you,
the pain.
You can try to wrap it differently.
Use an alternative box,
choose a shiny wrapping paper.
Secure it with ribbon,
Even glue on a fucking huge bow,
if you like.
But you’ll still carry it with you,
the pain.
Like a gaudy present nobody wants to open.
An unwanted gift you can never return.
(Originally Posted 28.04.2019)
Still here
Still pretending
Still living
With grief unending
Sick & Tired
And
so
begins
another
day
Where
I pretend
every
thing
is ok
If
only
there
was
another
way
As I
hate
being
such a
fucking
cliché
(Originally Posted 14.04.2020)
I wrote this one
When I went back into the office
Although the thought of working
Left me feeling nauseous
I knew I had to return
And get it out of the way
But nothing really prepared me
For that difficult first day
All those well meaning people
Whose lives hadn’t changed a bit
All approaching me awkwardly
Asking how I was coping with it
Was there something they could say
Or anything they could do
Telling me they were here for me
Making sure that much I knew
I remember hiding in the bathroom
Just for a bit of peace
Hoping that back at my desk
Their annoying behaviour would cease
Then one day their fawning stopped
Like enough sympathy had been shown
And those incessant space invaders
Began to leave me the fuck alone
Space Invader
I know you are bored,
I know you are curious,
I know you are lonely,
but please,
just fuck off
and leave me alone.
(Originally Posted 12.04.2019)
There’s not much I can add
To this one
As the conflict still exists
To this day
Yes, there are days
When I can laugh
But those tears aren’t ever
Too far away
Conflict
I laughed today.
Hard.
Tears ran down my face,
Dizziness overtook me as my muscles ached from the strain,
And I thought I’d never breathe deeply again.
I cried today.
Hard.
Tears ran down my face,
Dizziness overtook me as my muscles ached from the strain,
And I thought I’d never breathe deeply again.
As I soldier on, as best I can,
this simultaneous existence
of conflicting emotions
is slowly killing me.
(Originally Posted 10.04.2019)
And here I lie
My heart still broken
Knowing this to be
The truest word I’ve spoken
Who Knew
I’d never realised
the word heartbreak
was meant literally,
until now
(Originally Posted 04.04.2019)
I remember people telling me
My emotions would return
That the numbness I felt
Would resolve itself
And I shouldn’t
Be too concerned
But I knew
Right from the off
That it was the end for me
My well had run dry
And I’d said goodbye
To who I used to be
So although now
I may joke
To those same people
About how
I am ‘dead inside’
I’ve never been more certain
Of its truth
And from that
There’s nowhere to hide
Tributary
The love
I once
had to
give
Ran so
deep
and
wide
But now,
it seems,
the river
is dry
As I’m
all but
dead
inside
(Originally Posted 03.04.2020)
I don’t think I would’ve ever
Got out of bed back then
If it wasn’t to feed my cat
I was quite happy
To starve myself again
But there was no way he deserved that
Mornings
Mornings are the worst.
Trying to muster the energy to get up, get dressed and leave the house.
Trying to summon the confidence to get through yet another day, without you.
To be honest, I’d rather not bother.
But I suppose I do have bills to pay.
And I do have to feed the cat.
(Originally Posted 02.04.2019)
It’s not just coping
With the grief
For your beloved one
Who dies
It is also dealing
With the loss
Of everyone else
You leave behind
True Colours
What
else
did
you
lose
She
asked
On
the
day
he
died?
All
the
love
and
respect
I
once
had
for
you
She
bitterly
replied
(Originally Posted 31.03.2020)
Back in the day
The only way
Was to express my grief
In paragraphs
I avoided talking
Like the plague
And couldn’t look
At photographs
I knew that it
Was wrong of me
But in my sadness
I was frozen
There was no option
For me back then
No other path
I could have chosen
But now I find
Day in day out
I can move
A little bit more
I am becoming unstuck,
It seems
Of that much
I am sure
I can only hope
As time goes on
Things continue
In this vain
And I’m never physically,
Mentally or emotionally
So immovable
Again
Immovable
It’s like wading through a swamp. Trying to lift your limbs from quicksand. Pushing against an invisible wind with a colossal weight strapped to your back. Everything takes so much longer. So many hours are lost. Motivation is impossible to muster. Action comes only in waves. Trivial tasks are insurmountable and nothing makes sense.
I’ve become physically, mentally and emotionally immovable.
Please, send help.
(Originally Posted 26.03.2019)
I still stand by this.
Completely.
Lies
There is no better place.
Those we love don’t walk beside us.
There are no other rooms.
You will stand at that grave and weep.
There are more than five stages.
There are more than two parts.
Tears are not silent.
There is no peace or comfort to find.
Time heals nothing.
You’ll always walk alone.
And grief is like a fucking tsunami,
so good luck learning to swim in that.
(Originally Posted 23.03.2019)
God, I remember that night so well
Along with the guilt that ensued
It took quite a while
To realise my smile
Didn’t leave his memory devalued
Open Ending
It was nice talking to you last night.
I forgot, for a moment, that my heart is broken.
It felt good to laugh, to smile, to dance.
It’s been a while since I did those things.
I’m happy we randomly met, but I’m also glad you left when you did.
Now I have the memory of our open ending, to help mend my grieving heart.
(Originally Posted 17.03.2019)
It still fucking hurts
Lies
It gets better with time
(Originally Posted 17.03.2020)
I never did thank you
For teaching me
How to respond
To insincerity
I have never been happier
Than the day I realised
That sealing up
Your crypt for good
Meant you would die inside
Grief Vampire
Paltry, trite sentiment
Faux hurt and pain
Superficial, artificial compassion
Feigned sadness and tears
You’ve got no fucking idea
How this really feels
Just piss off back to your crypt
And leave me in peace
(Originally Posted 15.03.2019)
I wasn’t really
Truthful here
There were others
Who also cried
But no one else
Ever came close
To feeling what I did
When he died
The Only One
You said I was the only one who made you laugh.
You said I was the only one who made you cry.
You said I was the only one who made you feel safe.
You said I was the only one who you could trust.
You said I was the only one who made you feel special.
You said I was the only one who mattered.
You said I was the only one who taught you patience.
You said I was the only one who taught you to be happy.
You said I was the only one who taught you to love.
Then you left.
And I was the only one who cried.
(Originally Posted 12.03.2019)
I remember this
Only too well
Wandering around
In a daze
Living life
On autopilot
Trying to navigate
The maze
That conflict inside me
Never stopped
I still feel it
To this day
It’s just easier now
To do what I can
And to push the cannot
Away
I Can / I Cannot
I can forever buy token things,
But I cannot answer my phone if it rings.
I can try to plug the cavernous gap,
But I cannot avoid that same old trap.
I can seek out frames for your daft wee photos,
But I cannot keep all of your old clothes.
I can find different ways to while away the hours,
But I cannot keep watering those dead flowers.
I can pray today will be warm and sunny,
But I cannot walk around and pretend to be funny.
I can look for answers in the cold grey sky,
But I cannot continue to painfully cry.
I can avoid scenes of actual violence,
But I cannot ensure my wilful silence.
I can try with all I have to get myself through,
But I cannot ever stop myself from loving you.
(Originally Posted 10.3.2019)
I don’t remember who wrote this
But I can see that she was sad
Understandable, to be fair,
As she’d lost everything she had
2am
I am broken
I am hurt
Words unspoken
Emotion curt
I am sad
I am wrong
Mind mad
Tears throng
I am tired
I am lonely
Memories mired
Despair only
I am weak
I am frail
Burning cheek
Limbs fail
I am down
I am done
Brows frown
Love gone
(Originally posted 04.03.2019)
Don’t bother asking me
As I will only say no
I’m only drinking
To stop me thinking
So I’ll just buy my own
There is no substitution
For what we had
Looking for it again
Will only drive me mad
Time heals
Or so they say
Well, let me tell you
They fucking lie
Time does nothing
But march on
And you’re left
With no right to reply
I suppose
You understand me now
Why I said
What was on my mind
Well don’t expect
Anything from me
As I’ll be paying you back
In kind
How can I stop you feeling so sad
He said
Please,
Just tell me and I’ll do it
I don’t know where to start
She said
And if I did,
I wouldn’t put you through it
I was thinking
Earlier on today
How it really
Would be nice
To go at least
One day
Without
Your bullshit advice
They’re always there
Behind my eyes
Just waiting
For their time to pour
Anything and everything
Can set them free
With no reason why
Or even wherefore
I thought
If I told you
How I felt
That you
Would understand
But now I realise
I was wrong
So I’m stuck
In no man’s land
If only you’d seen
What these eyes have seen
Perhaps then
You could understand
If it was you crying
As he lay dying
You’d know why I made
That demand
I’ve never felt
More alone
Than I do now
In my own home
I wish I could sleep forever
As silly as that seems
For then we’d be together
Happy, in my dreams
As I sat hoping
It wasn’t true
My heart bled out
Waiting for you
I’m still sad
All the time
Not that you’d know
Or care
It was me who lost him
Not you
So take your bullshit
Elsewhere
You’re OK
You know
Most days
You just get on
With things
Then suddenly
Out of nowhere
It hits you
At the foot
Of the stairs
And you weep
As you realise
Most days
Will never
Be the same
Again
How on earth do you cope
He asked
With all the loneliness
You don’t have any choice
She said
When you’ve got no one left
It’s like reading
Someone else’s words
Listening
To someone else’s story
But the heartache
And the pain
That’s still all mine
You must know why
I behave this way
The resignation is clear
On my face
You of all people
Should understand
My need for time
And space
The world didn’t stop
But I did
You all carried on
While I went and hid
We were friends
Before we were lovers
And that’s what I miss
The most
They say after a while
It stops hurting
Yet thirty one months later
I’m still in pain
If anything it feels
Like I’m reverting
Back to those dark old days
Again
Just think about
What I lost
On the day he died
Then ask yourself
If you were me
When would your tears subside?
I didn’t know it would hurt like this
He said
Or what I’d have to go through
There is no way of knowing
She said
Until it happens to you
In the shadows
Is where we’ll meet
To forever dance
Cheek to cheek
As night falls
So does my mood
And I can’t stop crying
Again
Ramblings Of A Fragile Mind 
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