Tag: death

A Thousand More

There’s nothing much

To add to this

Little else

That I can write

As the grief I felt

When you left

Will remain with me

For life

Xxx

A Thousand Years

Honestly,
I could wait
for a
thousand years
and it
would still
be too tough.

Honestly,
I could sleep
for a
thousand years
and it
would never
be enough.

Honestly,
I could cry
for a
thousand years
and it
would still
hurt too much.

(Originally Posted 11.5.2019)

2

‘I’ll Take All The Blame’

Not only did I fail myself

But I also failed you too

I hope one day

You’ll forgive me

For everything I didn’t do

Xxx

Failure

I pride myself on my planning

I write lists day after day

I schedule my time wisely

So that nothing gets in the way

I prepare for every eventuality

Without a pause for breath

But the one thing I didn’t account for

Was your untimely death

Xxx

(Originally Posted 10.05.2021)

3

‘What Do I Do Now?’

Call me pessimistic

But I’m just being real

This isn’t just

What I think

This is exactly how I feel

Cruelty

In a perfect world,

There is someone for everyone.

You meet each other.

You fall in love.

And you stay together,

Forever.

Ours, however, is a cruel world.

There is someone for everyone,

But you might never meet them.

You might never fall in love.

And you might not stay together,

Forever.

Because they might die,

Before you do.

And then, you’re fucked.

(Originally Posted 03.05.2019)

0

Passing The Parcel

It’ll be you next

When the music stops

So I’ll look away

As your heart drops

An Unwanted Gift

You’ll always carry it with you,
the pain.

You can try to wrap it differently.

Use an alternative box,
choose a shiny wrapping paper.

Secure it with ribbon,

Even glue on a fucking huge bow,
if you like.

But you’ll still carry it with you,
the pain.

Like a gaudy present nobody wants to open.


An unwanted gift you can never return.

(Originally Posted 28.04.2019)

4

In The Next Life

My only wish

Is to see you again

As I really do miss you,

My friend

Maybe One Day

My body
decays
and

My mind
forgets
but

My heart
desires
and

My soul
awakens

(Originally Posted 23.04.2019)

4

The Watershed

OK, perhaps not quite meaningless

But certainly everything changed

And though life now may be

Somewhat better for me

That numbness has definitely remained

All Surface, No Meaning

When you died,
My world stopped turning.

When you took your last breath,
My life became meaningless.

As the ongoing battle towards my own death continues,
I’m numb to everything and everyone.

I trudge along…

Feigning my interest,
Forging my desire,
Faking my love.

(Originally Posted 18.04.2019)

13

‘Life Is Unfair’

It hurts almost as much

To see how sad I was

As it does

To remember you

Reminders

It’s when it comes from nowhere,
that’s the worst.

The hysterical sobs that hit without warning.

When I’m driving and our song comes on the radio.
When a letter arrives and it’s addressed to you.
When I find a pair of your socks in my drawer.

My throat constricts,
as my lungs compress.

My stomach lurches,
as my heart laments.

And my eyes burn as I drown, slowly, in my own tears.

(Originally Posted 18.04.2019)

6

‘Show Me, Show Me, Show Me…’

I don’t feel you with me anymore
When you’ve always been in my heart
I mean I know that you’re dead, sure
As your cancer tore us apart

But lately I’ve been missing you
When I never used to have to look
I’m beginning to think I imagined you
Like a character from a book

I need you to show me something
Just give me a little sign
That our connection still exists, somehow,
And I’m not losing my mind

It doesn’t matter what method you choose
And I’m not too fussed about when
I just need you to do it
As I cannot lose you again

Just

I don’t really want to die.

At least I don’t think I do.

I just want the pain to stop.

Every day is a battle I have less and less desire to fight.

Every day is an experience I have less and less desire to enjoy.

Every day is a puzzle I have less and less desire to complete.

I just want that spark back.

I just want you back.

I just want you.

(Originally Posted 11.04.2019)

28

You’re Gone

It took me a while to accept it

But now I know that it’s true

So all I have are these memories

From those days of me and you

Xxx

Still Hear

I still hear
Your key rattle in the door
I still hear
Your footsteps across the floor
I still hear
Your rubbish music playing
I still hear
Your awesome temper fraying
I still hear
You impart your innate wisdom
I still hear
You berate with fierce criticism
I still hear
You sing your daft wee songs
I still hear
The bubble of your endless bongs
I still hear
You chew too loudly when you eat
I still hear
The thump of your heart beat
I still hear
Your laugh and your wry chuckle
I still hear
Your beloved belt unbuckle
I still hear
Your enticing voice roar
I still hear
Your thunderous snore
I still hear
Your exasperated sigh
I still hear
Your exhausted cry

Oh, how I wish you were
Still Here

(Originally Posted 19.03.2019)

10

Perspectives

God, I remember that night so well

Along with the guilt that ensued

It took quite a while

To realise my smile

Didn’t leave his memory devalued

Open Ending

It was nice talking to you last night.
I forgot, for a moment, that my heart is broken.

It felt good to laugh, to smile, to dance.
It’s been a while since I did those things.

I’m happy we randomly met, but I’m also glad you left when you did.

Now I have the memory of our open ending, to help mend my grieving heart.

(Originally Posted 17.03.2019)

8

Switching Sides

I felt like this

To begin with

When I still thought I could move on

But now I know

How fucking hard that is

I wish it was me that had gone

Who Goes First

It’s better that I’m living without you

Rather than you living without me

You’d never cope with this pain

It has wrecked me

But it would have destroyed you

And I would have hated that

(Originally Posted 14.03.2019)

8

The One Who Lost It All

I wasn’t really

Truthful here

There were others

Who also cried

But no one else

Ever came close

To feeling what I did

When he died

The Only One

You said I was the only one who made you laugh.
You said I was the only one who made you cry.
You said I was the only one who made you feel safe.
You said I was the only one who you could trust.
You said I was the only one who made you feel special.
You said I was the only one who mattered.
You said I was the only one who taught you patience.
You said I was the only one who taught you to be happy.
You said I was the only one who taught you to love.

Then you left.

And I was the only one who cried.

(Originally Posted 12.03.2019)

15

Making Do

I remember this

Only too well

Wandering around

In a daze

Living life

On autopilot

Trying to navigate

The maze

That conflict inside me

Never stopped

I still feel it

To this day

It’s just easier now

To do what I can

And to push the cannot

Away

I Can / I Cannot

I can forever buy token things,

But I cannot answer my phone if it rings.

I can try to plug the cavernous gap,

But I cannot avoid that same old trap.

I can seek out frames for your daft wee photos,

But I cannot keep all of your old clothes.

I can find different ways to while away the hours,

But I cannot keep watering those dead flowers.

I can pray today will be warm and sunny,

But I cannot walk around and pretend to be funny.

I can look for answers in the cold grey sky,

But I cannot continue to painfully cry.

I can avoid scenes of actual violence,

But I cannot ensure my wilful silence.

I can try with all I have to get myself through,

But I cannot ever stop myself from loving you.

(Originally Posted 10.3.2019)

9

A Semi Shared Experience

And still your agony continues

In difference to me

She continues to linger on

Whilst he’s already been set free

Foreboding

It’s all just so wrong

This shouldn’t be happening to you

Not as it hasn’t been that long

Since it happened to me too

I’m not sure how to act

And I’m not sure what to say

For there’s nothing that can take the pain

Of what’s to come away

(Originally Posted 06.03.2020)

0

Who’s That Girl?

I don’t remember who wrote this

But I can see that she was sad

Understandable, to be fair,

As she’d lost everything she had

2am

I am broken
I am hurt
Words unspoken
Emotion curt

I am sad
I am wrong
Mind mad
Tears throng

I am tired
I am lonely
Memories mired
Despair only

I am weak
I am frail
Burning cheek
Limbs fail

I am down
I am done
Brows frown
Love gone

(Originally posted 04.03.2019)

17

G42 Revisited

Just a month or so ago

Sitting here alone

I took a notion to Google

That place we once called home

And there in the depths of YouTube

I found a stylish video tour

Filmed by an estate agent, apparently

As part of their brochure

I sobbed as I watched the camera

Pan from room to room

All of those happy memories

Now bathed in brokenhearted gloom

And yet I am so thankful

That such a thing does exist

As a peice of our history digitised

Is such a wonderful gift

G42

Was it really

The best of times?

Or was it just

The worst?

I’ve got nae idea, pal

Ma heid’s fuckin’ burst

(Originally Posted 03.02.2020)

10

In Memoriam

There is nothing

Left to do

There isn’t anything

Else to say

I just really

Fucking miss him

Every single day

Xxx

8

Random #172

“No one else is carrying the aftermath trauma you have endured inside their body. They are not paying the concequences. They are not managing the recovery.

Therefore their opinions are secondary to any and all things that help you heal.”

– Nate Postlethwait via @mindful_tom

8

Waking Thoughts

And so to yet

Another day

Resisting

The urge to cry

In a body

That is fighting

Hard to survive

But with a mind

That wants to die

12

What Should Have Been

Twenty two years

Just me and you

Sitting on the sofa

With wine and food

But it’s not to be

As you’re three years gone

So any romance today

Just feels wrong

Xxx

12

Random #156

‘All that was good,
All that was fair,
All that was me is gone.’

– Robert Louis Stevenson

8

One Good Turn…

I suppose

You understand me now

Why I said

What was on my mind

Well don’t expect

Anything from me

As I’ll be paying you back

In kind

5

Letting You Go

I really did love you, you know

I wish I’d told you so before

And now you’re gone

Nothing can be done

But to regret it

Forevermore

Xxx

10

Random #144

‘I get along without you very well,
Of course I do.
Except perhaps in spring.
But I should never think of spring,
For that would surely break my heart in two’

7

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