"All my life's buried here, heap earth upon it"
Remove the paracetamol
And hide the razor blades
As I feel like shit
Again today
So you need to take the reins
The Daily Struggle
I went back to bed
Three times today
To try to dream
This pain away
Yet it didn’t work
So now I’m awake
Do I have any choice
But my life to take?
(Originally Posted 16.11.2020)
This is what depression does
It strips you bare until life becomes
Just too much to contemplate.
So you lie there alone
Isolated at home
And accept what you feel is fate.
Meanwhile everyone else
Is worried about you.
Totally clueless
As to how to help you.
Ultimately nobody wins.
So fuck depression,
And all that it brings.
In My Eyes
No one
sees
me as
anything
more
Than a
sad and
lonely
depressed
old bore
A pathetic
waste of
space for
sure
Just
another
nuisance
to ignore
(Originally Posted 14.11.2019)
That is how
It was back then
When I had no choice
But to rely on pills
One to find a way
To get through each day
And several more
To help me rebuild
Happy Pills
I think
we’ll
increase
your dose,
She
said,
To stop
you
feeling so
morose.
I’ll
easily
give it
a try,
I
said,
But I’m
pretty sure
the end
is nigh.
(Originally Posted 07.11.2019)
Here I am stuck
In this carriage again
Honestly,
I could scream
I’m forever trying
To reach the end
Yet I always run out
Of steam
‘Forever Delayed’
Brought
to a
standstill
By leaves
on the
line ahead
Yet
another
signal
point
failure
Oh how
I wish
I’d stayed
in bed
(Originally Posted 05.11.2019)
I guess I don’t feel
Like this anymore
But in that I can take no pride
As the only reason
I feel any different
Is because I’m now dead inside
What’s The Point?
It
feels
like
I will
never
laugh
again
As my
life
is so
full of
sorrow
and pain
Like
I will
no
longer
be able
to smile
And
that
nothing
I do will
ever be
worthwhile
(Originally Posted 01.11.2019)
Four different medications
Plus some of my own to boot
Yet the madness persists
As I eye up my wrists
Making the point of treatment moot
Assistance / Resistance
So
it’s
been
a year
Of
your
latest
treatment
Yet
I still
don’t
feel
Any
fucking
different
(Originally Posted 30.10.2020)
It would not be
That unusual for me
To view my own mental health
As simply cliché
And to explain it away
As just feeling sorry for myself
The Gloom
Does it
follow me
Or do I
chase it
Either way
around
It’s still
pretty shit
(Originally Posted 30.10.2019)
Check in with your family and friends
Make sure they know you are their ally
As you can’t always tell
Who on the outside looks well
But on the inside wants to die
The Passing Samaritan
I
really
can’t
explain
it
This
feeling
I have
inside
I
just
don’t
want
to be
here
And,
God
knows,
I’ve
tried
(Originally Posted 29.10.2020)
I’ve felt this way
For some time now
And yet I still plod on
Perhaps this is just
My normal now
And it’s hoping for more that’s wrong
Zestless
Finally
dropping
into
bed
Knowing
I couldn’t
have done
any more
There is
no point
in setting
an alarm
As
there’s
nothing
to wake
up for
(Originally Posted 24.10.2020)
They sense my attempt
To avoid them, the pack,
So they change their course
Quick smart
For there’s nothing more appealing
Than an injured woman concealing
The stench
Of her bleeding heart
Prey
The
wolves
are on
their
hunt
again
I can
hear
them
whine
and
howl
They
are
already
stalking
me,
I know,
For
you’ve
told
them
where
to prowl
(Originally Posted 14.10.2019)
As there was no one to pull me
Back in from the ledge
It is here I remain
Drunk and in pain
Standing perilously close to the edge
A Little More
As I fall
apart
a little
more
each day
I wonder
if I’ll
always
feel
this way
How
much
lower
can I
sink?
Who will
pull me
back
from the
brink?
(Originally Posted 13.10.2019)
I probably did write this
On a Tuesday
Fuelled by coffee
And nicotine
But in truth
This could’ve been posted
On any given day
Back in twenty nineteen
Tuesday
I called in sick for work today.
My heart just couldn’t come out to play.
All I’ve done is lie in bed
Filled with thoughts of fear and dread.
With nausea consuming every movement,
My mood shows no sign of any improvement.
I hate existing like this.
Full of anger, self loathing and all that shit.
I wonder how much more emotion can I conceal
Before I decide to end it all for real
(Originally Posted 03.09.2019)
I have never spoken
About that night
As to betray him
Would be be unfair
He only hit on me
Because he was ill, you see,
And his ability to judge
Impaired
Indiscretion
It was
what
it was
And
whilst
we
had
fun
Now
it is
what
it is
The
guilt
has
begun
(Originally Posted 01.10.2019)
That I ever thought
Those pills would work
Is actually quite preposterous
For I have found
To my cost
That the pit of my stomach is bottomless
Prescription For A Broken Heart
I took
the first
one this
morning
The rest
won’t be
hard to
swallow
Soon
my belly
will be
full
And I’ll
no longer
feel so
hollow
(Originally Posted 24.09.2019)
It would’ve saved a lot of time
She said
Had I walked away long ago
Oh please don’t kid yourself
She said
You’d still have lived a life of woe
‘Should I Stay Or Should I Go’
If
someone
told me
then
How all
this
would
end
I’d pack
a bag
and run
away
And not
even
bother
to pretend
(Originally Posted 22.09.2020)
If you were to see
Who I am inside
You would simply run
Away and hide
It’s not as though
I have ever lied
But to quell the beast
I’ve always tried
Hidden
There’s
so much
of me
You
never
see
So many
things
I do
That are
hidden
from view
I know you
won’t believe
it’s true
But it’s
my way of
protecting you
(Originally Posted 22.09.2019)
I may spend time lying down
But not much of that is sleeping
It’s existential dread
That fills my head
And that’s not to mention the weeping
Forty Winks
Why do
I bother
coming
to bed
It’s not
like I
can
sleep
All I
do is
fucking
lie here
Overthinking
and
counting
sheep
(Originally Posted 21.09.2019)
It’s not like it wasn’t obvious
That I was depressed as fuck
Given all my talk,
I would’ve thought,
That was understood
Read Between The Lines
How
much
more
Must
I write
Before
you
come to
save
me?
How
much
more
Must
I fight
Before
you
run to
embrace
me?
(Originally Posted 14.09.2020)
I can hardly remember writing
Such a powerful piece
Although I can recall requiring
A medication increase
Yes Sir, No Sir
Okay,
okay,
I accept
defeat.
I’ll get up,
get dressed,
drink tea,
eat.
I’ll take
the pills
you say
I need.
I’ll be a
good wee girl,
like we
agreed.
(Originally Posted 11.09.2019)
It can be hard to stop
And smell the roses
When you’d rather
Be six feet under them
The Black Dog
When I heard
the black dog
barking outside
I knew I had
nowhere left
to hide
When I heard
the black dog
at my door
I knew I didn’t
have the strength
to fight anymore
Now I hear
the black dog
on my shoulder
And all I feel
is relief
that it’s over
(Originally Posted 06.09.2019)
I went back to work too early
Of that I have no doubt
But with bills to pay
Much to my dismay
I had no choice but to force myself out
Tuesday
I called in sick for work today.
My heart just couldn’t come out to play.
All I’ve done is lie in bed
Filled with thoughts of fear and dread.
With nausea consuming every movement,
My mood shows no sign of improvement.
I hate existing like this.
Full of anger, self loathing and all that shit.
I wonder how much more I can conceal
Before I decide to end it for real
(Originally Posted 03.09.2019)
“Life isn’t as serious as the mind makes it out to be”
– Eckhart Tolle
It would’ve been all too easy
To enact the ultimate ‘au revoir’
So just in case I was tempted
I made sure to sell my car
#8 The Optimist
This is
A message
From your favourite
Depressive
To say all
Is well with me
Here’s hoping
It lasts
That those days
Have passed
And I don’t drive
Into a tree
(Originally Posted 02.09.2021)
I really am quite thankful
I no longer feel like this
Even though day to day
Things aren’t always okay
At least I’ve stopped thinking that shit
Shotgun
At
this
point
I’ll
try
anything
She
said
It
can’t
do any
harm
Then
you
should
take
this
one
He
said
It’ll
work
like a
charm
(Originally Posted 27.08.2020)
Then you asked
If I got it back
Never
I replied
That was the day
When it all
Went black
And I was forever
Left dead inside
Q&A
You ask
What
I left
Behind
Nothing
I answer
Just
My mind
(Originally Posted 24.08.2020)
Back then my head
Was in such a mess
I couldn’t even wish myself
A peaceful death
Out With A Bang
What is this
stabbing pain
in my chest?
Why is it
causing me
such unrest?
Fingers
crossed it’s
a heart attack
Then I
can leave
this place
And never
come back
(Originally Posted 23.08.2019)
If only I had a pound
For each session that started like this
I wouldn’t need a whip-round
For a better therapist
On The Couch
What’s worrying you today,
He asks.
Everything,
I reply.
(Originally Posted 14.08.2020)
Nature versus nurture
That is the great debate
Was I born a pessimist
Or did it find me late?
I suppose it doesn’t matter
However it came to be
As the cynic is now embedded
In my personality
Mythbusting
If
life is
funny
sometimes
Then
why
can’t
I contain
my laughter
It’s the
same as
all that
bullshit
they say
About
living
happily
ever
after
(Originally Posted 01.08.2020)
There is no update for this one
Nothing further to remark
Other than to say
I have felt this way
Pretty much from the start
Outline In Chalk
Here
I lie
Despite
my wealth
Murdered
By my
mental
health
(Originally Posted 30.07.2020)
I was pretending
So much back then
I should have known
Things would soon go tits up
In fact I’m amazed
Given how I behaved
No one thought to lock me up
Apathy & Deception
How the
fuck am
I going
to get
through
today
when I
can’t even
open my
eyes?
Why the
fuck am
I even
bothering
today
when
my life
is just
a myriad
of lies?
(Originally Posted 30.07.2019)
I really wasn’t well, was I?
Looking back at this
It’s just silo strange, because I
Didn’t realise anything was amiss
The Drudgery
Another
day spent
trudging
through
the
sludge
of life
still
refusing
to budge
forever
trying to
avoid the
judgement
of those
who secretly
hold a
grudge
against me
(Originally Posted 25.07.2019)
There
were
times,
back
then,
When
I just
wasn’t
worth
it
Water
It’s
amazing
the
difference
a shower
can make
Inside
and
out…
(Originally Posted 16.07.2019)
I hope never again
To find myself
Walking along this path
I’ve been through such a lot
That I’m pretty much shot
So I doubt I would make it back
Depression (Part 2)
Eat until you’re sick
Snap until you bruise
Run until you’re limp
Drink a shit load of booze
Spend until you’re skint
Sleep until you’re sore
Cry until you’re empty
Sleep around like a whore
Shout until you’re hoarse
Cut until you bleed
Work until you drop
Smoke a shedload of weed
Lie until you’re spent
Smile until you’re alone
Write until you’re wrung
Forget all you’ve ever known
(Originally Posted 15.07.2019)
It’s a word I use a lot
‘Abyss’
Reading back now
I have noticed
I hadn’t quite realised
How numb
I’d become
Or how dissociated I was
When I wrote this
Dwelling
Pain helps, momentarily.
It provides a fleeting relief.
Then the numbness returns
And living inside this emotionless abyss, continues.
(Originally Posted 12.07.2019)
Quite a subtle reference here
To a drug I’ve seen
But never taken
I’ve just always known
Being dependence prone
That beast never to awaken
Need(le)
I
need
you
here
Please
come
and
save
me
I
need
to
feel
The
love
you
gave
me
(Originally Posted 01.07.2020)
Yet as the sun came out
Last summer
The glue I’d used soon melted
So whatever I felt back then
Didn’t start a trend
Or conclude as well as projected
Out Of The Blue
I woke up with a smile
Today
All the bad feeling
Had gone away
It actually felt
Like it was the start
Of gluing back together
My broken heart
(Originally Posted 30.06.2021)
It has gotten easier
To get out of bed
But life without him
Has not
For there is little relief
From the pain of grief
And that is now my lot
Options
I am amazed, yet again, that I’ve found the courage to get out of bed.
You have no idea how hard it is.
This sustained internal struggle.
The conscious effort required to motivate myself to move.
The strength of belief needed to convince my anxious brain that we can get through the day unscathed.
It’s exhausting.
If only I could return to the naivety of the past.
Travel back to a time when sadness was mere affectation.
Where melancholy was a comforting friend.
And death wasn’t such a viable option.
(Originally Posted 27.06.2019)
As
life
continues
To slip
through
my fingers
Here
I stand,
still
As the
sadness
lingers
Tinged With Sadness
In
amongst
all of
this
madness
Here
I stand
Heart
tinged
with
sadness
(Originally Posted 24.06.2020)
If this one doesn’t work
He said
I can always prescribe another
If this one doesn’t work
She said
You’d better run for cover
For I have had enough
She said
Of being given pills to chew
I completely understand
He said
But there’s little else I can do
‘Not Another Day…’
Another
day
Another
pill
Will
this
one
make
me
Feel
less
ill?
(Originally Posted 18.06.2020)
I remember feeling like this
Every day back then
When it would take everything I had
To get up and do it again
Although now I find it easier
With most mornings not as hard
I’d be lying if I didn’t say
Sometimes I’m still caught off guard
5am
Stomach lurching,
Bones aching,
Head pounding,
Heart breaking,
Waking up is never easy.
(Originally Posted 13.06.2019)
Darkest thoughts
On my darkest day
I can but hope
The worst is away
Found
Hearing
how
sad
you
would
be
Doesn’t
make
me
change
my
mind
All
it
does
is
remind
me
to
choose
A
method
that
is
kind
(Originally Posted 11.06.2020)
Maybe it wasn’t a prison
But it certainly felt like it
I’d do anything not to go back there
Even if that means faking it
Climbing The Walls
Let
me
out
She
said
You
cannot
keep me
here
I
think
you’ll
find we
can
He
said
The
law is
very
clear
(Originally Posted 21.05.2020)
If it’s not monsters
It’s mermaids
As that’s how it is manic depression
Life is laborious
Or it’s glorious
With very little in the way of progression
Monsters
They are always there,
Gnawing away at my brain.
One day I will kill them,
And I shall smile again.
(Originally Posted 14.05.2019)
It never ceases to amaze me
How blunt I was back then
It’s so clear to see
I wasn’t well, mentally,
When I read this one again
Another Day…
Another day of pretence dawns,
And my heart is full of dread.
Another chasm in my mind yawns,
And I wish that I was dead.
(Originally Posted 09.05.2019)
I threw out that rope
A few weeks ago
When I cleared out the shed
Now I’ll try to forgo
My life of woe
And hope for better instead
K(not)
All
I can
say is
I live
in hope
That
one day
I will
tie that
rope
As
tightly
as I see
it in
my mind
And
all my
troubles
I’ll leave
behind
(Originally Posted 06.05.2020)
As if all I do
Is wander around
And weep into the rain
When I really feel blue
To my bed I am bound
As that is my real domain
Grey Days
I love
walking
on grey days
The raindrops
land on my face
and mingle with
my tears
Hiding them
from prying
eyes
(Originally Posted 02.05.2019)
That is the difference
Between you and me
I have no interest
In all of this
Whilst you are happy to be
The Silent Killer
I’m just sitting here,
Waiting it out,
Biding my time.
Soon,
The axe will fall.
And it’ll all be over.
Thankfully.
(Originally Posted 30.04.2019)
Please do not look upon me
With your pity and dismay
For this last few years
Have taught me
Feelings aren’t shit anyway
Blackout
I
don’t
want
to feel
better
I
don’t
want
to feel
at all
(Originally Posted 21.04.2020)
You lived to see another day
He said
Why aren’t you happy about that
Because I had made my choice
She said
And in the end my plan fell flat
Lifeline
The rubber ring
floats
towards me.
Thank you
for throwing
it down.
But I have
no desire
to grab it.
The rocks
in my pocket
are all
I need.
(Originally Posted 20.04.2019)
Had another day
Like this yesterday
After quite a few
Of feeling ok
The only way
Was in bed to lay
In order to
Keep those demons at bay
Who Gives A Fuck? (Not Me)
What do I do
Now all hope is gone
And I am left here
On my own
Somehow still alive
But gasping for air
Unable to thrive
Yet unwilling to care
(Originally Posted 05.04.2020)
I don’t think I would’ve ever
Got out of bed back then
If it wasn’t to feed my cat
I was quite happy
To starve myself again
But there was no way he deserved that
Mornings
Mornings are the worst.
Trying to muster the energy to get up, get dressed and leave the house.
Trying to summon the confidence to get through yet another day, without you.
To be honest, I’d rather not bother.
But I suppose I do have bills to pay.
And I do have to feed the cat.
(Originally Posted 02.04.2019)
Jesus.
How depressed was I?
I’d travelled over to Dublin
Albeit with a heavy sigh
I remember all those people
And all the fun they had
I remember trying to fit in
Even though I was pretty much mad
It’s sad to think back now
On just how much I missed
As I may well have been there in person
But I clearly did not want to exist
Travel
It doesn’t matter where in the world you go.
How beautiful the country you visit,
How fascinating the people you meet,
How much booze you drink.
You can’t run away from your thoughts.
You might have a different view from your window but your soul will remain as black as the night sky and, beneath it all, you’ll still be the same fuck up you always were.
Travel solves nothing.
(Originally Posted 30.03.2019)
I took the easier route,
In the end,
And just sold the car
Country Roads
I should stop driving
So late at night
Especially
On country roads
It is far too tempting
Not to press the brake
And it’s not like
I’m afraid of the dark…
(Originally Posted 15.03.2019)
This may have been posted
In 2019
But it was written long ago
In the back of a French class
As I recall
Looking out into the snow
Je Suis Morte
I’ve been here so many, many times before
I’m just fucking bored now.
Bored with the fucking lot of it.
It’s pointless now.
Not that there ever was a point, obviously.
Je Suis Morte.
I Fucking Wish.
(Originally Posted 02.03.2019)
Trudging through this half a life
Really just subsisting
Knowing I’d be
Better off dead
Than merely just existing
“No one else is carrying the aftermath trauma you have endured inside their body. They are not paying the concequences. They are not managing the recovery.
Therefore their opinions are secondary to any and all things that help you heal.”
– Nate Postlethwait via @mindful_tom
And so to yet
Another day
Resisting
The urge to cry
In a body
That is fighting
Hard to survive
But with a mind
That wants to die
It was you who made things difficult
It was you who made things worse
You who added injury to insult
It was you who left me cursed
It was you who made me doubt myself
It was you who made me cry
You who just pleased yourself
It was you who never asked why
But as for all that has followed
All that has now came to be
Every pill that I have swallowed
That’s on no one else but me
I’m going to be happy today
She said
Push this sadness from my mind
I’ll give you half an hour
He said
And even then that’s being kind
4am
And my demons
Want revenge
Again
Ramblings Of A Fragile Mind 
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