Tag: sadness

Mine

I don’t want to ‘talk’ about it.

I don’t want to ‘express’ it.

I don’t want to ‘let it out’.

I want to keep this part for me.

A part that’s private.

A part that’s mine and mine alone.

As it should be.

I didn’t share my love and I refuse to share my grief.

So just piss off, the lot of you.

0

Grey Days

I love
walking
on grey days.

The raindrops
land on my face
and mingle with
my tears,

Hiding them
from prying
eyes.

0

Never Stop

If I turn on the tap,
it’ll never stop flowing.

If I turn on the rage,
it’ll never stop glowing.

If I turn on my mind,
it’ll never stop knowing.

If I turn on my grief,
it’ll never stop showing.

It will never stop,
this seed I am sewing.

0

The Silent Killer

I’m just sitting here,

Waiting it out,

Biding my time.

Soon,

The axe will fall.

And it’ll all be over.

Thankfully.

0

An Unwanted Gift

You’ll always carry it with you,
The pain.

You can try to wrap it differently.

Use an alternative box,
Choose a shiny wrapping paper.
Secure it with ribbon,
Even glue on a fucking huge bow,
If you like.

But you’ll still carry it with you,
The pain.

Like a gaudy present nobody wants to open.
An unwanted gift you can never return.

4

Promises

I promise myself
never again
every time
and every time
I believe it.

But the truth is
forgetting you is
a promise
I am powerless
to keep.

0

IPA

Beer…

maintaining the great divide
between dreams and reality…

since 1993.

0

Lucky You

My head hurts,
Does yours?

My heart cries,
Does yours?

My body aches,
Does yours?

My soul dies,
Does yours?

How can it?

Your head
is as pretty
as a picture.

Your heart
is full
to bursting.

Your body
is as perfect
as a model,

And your soul
is an eagle
soaring high above
the rocky plains.

Lucky you.

0

Bank Holidays

Days off
are always
difficult.

There’s
so much more
time to fill,
without you.

So many
memories
of what we
used to do.

I’d rather
be at
work.

At least
there, I
get paid
to be
miserable.

0

Lifeline

The rubber ring
floats
towards me.

Thank you
for throwing
it down.

But I have
no desire
to grab it.

The rocks
in my pocket
are all
I need.

0

All Surface, No Meaning

When you died,
My world stopped turning.

When you took your last breath,
My life became meaningless.

As the ongoing battle towards my own death continues,
I’m numb to everything and everyone.

I trudge along…

Feigning my interest,
Forging my desire,
Faking my love.

8

Reminders

It’s when it comes from nowhere,
that’s the worst.

The hysterical sobs that hit without warning.

When I’m driving and our song comes on the radio.
When a letter arrives and it’s addressed to you.
When I find a pair of your socks in my drawer.

My throat constricts,
as my lungs compress.

My stomach lurches,
as my heart laments.

And my eyes burn as I drown, slowly, in my own tears.

0

Every Day

Still hoping,
Still waiting,
Still holding,
Still wanting.

Still thinking,
Still grieving,
Still trying,
Still giving.

Still caring,
Still feeling,
Still crying,
Still fighting.

Still breathing,
Still living,
Still believing,
Still loving.

0

The Loaded Gun

Time marches on
As I come undone
And my memories fade further away.

I try to hold on,
To ignore the loaded gun
As I trudge through another day.

0

Indecision

It's a long way to the bottom
from all the way up here.

As I stand and shiver 
I can't help but think...

What happens if I change my mind
halfway down?
0

NFA

If home
is where
the heart is,
then I’m
currently
of no
fixed abode.

0

Saturdays

Saturdays are made for staying in bed all day.
But it's so cold and lonely, in here, without you.
0

Just

I don’t really want to die.

At least I don’t think I do.

I just want the pain to stop.

Every day is a battle I have less and less desire to fight.

Every day is an experience I have less and less desire to enjoy.

Every day is a puzzle I have less and less desire to complete.

I just want that spark back.

I just want you back.

I just want you.

0

How Much

It’s unmanageable, how much I grieve for you.

It’s uncomfortable, how much I can’t move on.

It’s unsettling, how much I hate you for leaving me.

It’s undignified, how much I cry for you.

It’s unbearable, how much I still love you.

0

Conflict

I laughed today.
Hard.
Tears ran down my face,
Dizziness overtook me as my muscles ached from the strain,
And I thought I’d never breathe deeply again.

I cried today.
Hard.
Tears ran down my face,
Dizziness overtook me as my muscles ached from the strain,
And I thought I’d never breathe deeply again.

As I soldier on,
as best I can,
the simultaneous existence
of conflicting emotions,
slowly kills me.

0

Out

The days march on,
But I trail behind.
Out of step,
Out of place,
Out of time.
0

He Said / She Said

One day
You might be somebody’s something
He said

But today
I am nobody’s nothing
She said

One day
Somebody might love you
He said

But today
Nobody does
She said

0

Drowning

The girl in the river,

She never thought she would be.

The girl in the river,

She didn’t want you to see.

The girl in the river,

She just wanted to be free.

The girl in the river,

She is me.

0

Ghosts

The ghosts that haunt my every day

Will plague my future too

I do not know if I can stay

As I’m fucked here without you

0

Free Fall

I’ve always been troubled.

Born with a darkness at my core.

An ugliness seeping through every fibre of my being.

My body infected with an overall malaise.

I’ve learned, over the years, to hide the monster from most.

Although your death has left me in free fall,

The fact I hate myself and want to die is nothing new.

That’s how I know I can get through this.

And that I’ll be ok.

0

For Me

Something has to give,
For me to find a reason to live.

Something has to change,
For me to avoid the firing range.

Something good has to come,
For me to choose not to succumb.

Something better has to start,
For me to stop tearing myself apart.

Some other story must be told,
For me to finally come in out of the cold.

0

Mornings

Mornings are the worst.

Trying to muster the energy to get up, get dressed and leave the house.

Trying to summon the confidence to get through yet another day without you.

To be honest, I’d rather not bother.

But I suppose I do have bills to pay.

And I do have to feed the cat.

0

Everything

I
still think
about you
everyday

You
are the one
I will never
forget

I
am the one
you have already
forgotten

0

April Fool’s Day

You can stop writing your pithy little poems, for your soul mate isn’t dead.

Your tears need no longer flow.

Your heart can beat again.

It’s an April Fool,

You fool.

0

Home

It pains me to think
of the amount of times 
I wished I'd come home 
to find the house exactly 
as I'd left it

How ironic that now
that's what happens,
what I want more than anything 
is to come home and find you
just as I'd left you 

7

Travel

It doesn’t matter where in the world you go.

How beautiful the country you visit,

How fascinating the people you meet,

How much booze you drink.

You can’t run away from your thoughts.

You might have a different view from your window but your soul will remain as black as the night sky and, beneath it all, you’ll still be the same fuck up you always were.

Travel solves nothing.

0

Wedding Days

Out of everyone, I am happy for both of you the most.

I wish you love, health and happiness for the rest of your years together.

You deserve it.

My dreams have long since faded, but I hope I last long enough to see you make yours a reality.

0

God

I wish I believed.

It’s heartening to see those of faith comforted from words set down so many years ago.

It’s uplifting to hear the voices of the choir soar alongside such stirring melody.

It’s inspiring to gaze in wonder at those beautifully stained glass windows like so many before me.

Truly.

But I don’t believe. In anyone or anything.

I’m not sure if I lack the inclination or imagination. Or both.

I am glad there are those that can be lifted from their darkest moments by the arms their God.

Sadly, the only person who will rescue me…is me.

And I’m not sure I have the strength.

0

Alphabet Heart

Atrophied. Abandoned.
Bleak. Barren.
Crumpled. Cracked.
Dark. Dank.
Embittered. Enraged.
Failed. Forgotten.
Garotted. Gutted.
Hateful. Haunted.
Indignant. Idle.
Jagged. Jaded.
Knocked. Knotted.
Longing. Lost.
Maudlin. Morose.
Nightmarish. Numb.
Obstructed. Obliterated.
Paralysed. Prone.
Quiet. Queasy.
Rotten. Ravaged.
Stolen. Shattered.
Traumatised. Tainted.
Unloveable. Undone.
Violated. Vanquished.
Weeping. Wasted.
Xxx
Yearning. Yawning.
Zero.
0

Tomorrow

I’m not sure how I’ll feel when I’m forced to remember you, tomorrow.

Forced to remember those torturous nights.

Forced to remember those heart breaking conversations.

They were so private, so personal, so intense.

Those words only ever destined to leave your lips and reach my ears.

There will be others there that feel the same way about their loved one, I’m sure.

And there will be others there just to watch. To steal someone else’s story to tell as their own.

Fuck them.

I’m not sure how I’ll feel when I’m forced to remember you, tomorrow.

I just wish you were still here.

And that I didn’t have to go.

0

Immovable

It’s like wading through a swamp. Trying to drag your limbs from quicksand. Pushing against an invisible wall, a colossal weight strapped to your back. Everything takes so much longer. So many hours are lost. Motivation is impossible to muster. Action comes only in waves. Trivial tasks are insurmountable and nothing makes sense.

I’ve become physically, mentally and emotionally immovable.

Please, send help.

4

If Only We’d Ended It Then…

I finally understand it.
I have realised the way things are.
I accept it.

I am not your woman.
You are not my man.
You are not mine to have.
I am not yours to hold.

We are friends.

This has always been clear.
You are unobtainable.
Out of my reach.

It's not that I don't care - 
I do.
It's not that I'm not jealous - I am.

But now I finally understand it.
Now I have realised the way things are.
Now I accept it.

And it's okay.
Really.

xxx
0

18 Years & 290 Days

Did I ever really know you at all, I wonder?
There was so much about you that I found fascinating.
Dark, brooding and mysterious.
Inexplicable in so many ways.
The expanse of your mind knew no bounds.
The depths of your heart the same.
You were so enchanting and intoxicating to me.
Such a fragile beauty.

I'm glad you didn't linger.
I'm thankful you didn't wither away.
I'm honoured I was with you, in those final moments.
Because I may never have really known you,
but I knew that look in your eyes.
I knew that grip of your hand.
I know my face was the last thing you saw.
You knew I was there, with you.
You knew I wouldn't leave.
You knew you were loved.
0

Lies

There is no better place.
Those we love don’t walk beside us.
There are no other rooms.
You will stand at that grave and weep.
There are more than five stages.
There are more than two parts.
Tears are not silent.
There is no peace or comfort to find.
Time heals nothing.
You’ll always walk alone.

And grief is like a fucking tsunami,
so good luck learning to swim in that.

 

2

Solitude

You get used to it, you know.
Being on your own.
Plus, no one sees you cry.
Which helps.

0

Questions

When does this pain end?
Have I not suffered enough?
Will things ever change?
Does time heal everything?
Am I done?
Do I care?
Shall I?
Go where?
Alone?
Forever?

 

0

Go

Maybe it would be for the best if I left
Just got the fuck out of here for good 

Let's face it, I could

I have no responsibilities
I have no commitments
I have nothing

And it's not like anyone wants me to stay anyway
0

Still Hear

I still hear your key rattle in the door,
I still hear your footsteps across the floor.
I still hear your rubbish music playing,
I still hear your awesome temper fraying.
I still hear you impart your innate wisdom,
I still hear you berate with fierce criticism.
I still hear you sing your daft wee songs,
I still hear the bubble of your endless bongs.
I still hear you chew too loudly when you eat,
I still hear the thump of your heart beat.
I still hear your laugh and your wry chuckle,
I still hear your beloved belt unbuckle.
I still hear your enticing voice roar,
I still hear your thunderous snore.
I still hear your exasperated sigh,
I still hear your exhausted cry.

I Wish You Were,
 Still Here.

0

Peregrines

I once said you were the most powerful man I knew

But you had to go and prove me wrong, didn't you?

xxx
0

Open Ending

It was quite nice talking to you last night.
I was able to forget, for a moment, that my heart is broken.

It felt good to laugh, to smile, to dance.
I thought I'd forgotten how to do those things.

I'm glad we randomly met last night.
But I'm also glad you left when you did.

Now I have the memory of our open ending,
To help mend my grieving heart.
0

Booze (Pt 1)

I hope I find the answers I’m looking for at the bottom of this pint glass.

Otherwise putting make up on to leave the house tonight was a waste of time…

0

Grief Vampire

Paltry, trite sentiment
Faux hurt and pain
Superficial, artificial compassion
Feigned sadness and tears

You've got no fucking idea how this really feels
Grief Vampire
Just piss off back to your crypt
And leave me in peace

0

Country Roads

I should stop driving late at night.

Especially on country roads.

It’s becoming far too tempting not to press the foot brake.

And I’m not afraid of the darkness…

 

 

0

Blythswood Square

She remembers she is hungry. She shoves a hand inside the leg of her boot.

Nothing.

She finds herself in Blythswood Square. The shadowy figure approaches her, but she is not afraid. It’s the fourth one tonight.

‘Twenty quid with’ she replies, ‘Twenty five without’.

She leads him down the darkened alley. Still, she is not afraid. He won’t last. They never do.

She reaches for the tissues from her pocket and wipes between her legs. She drops them to the ground as she slides the twenty pound note down into her boot. She puts the fiver inside her bra.

She strides down to Queen Street Station and pays the fifty pence to use the loo. It feels good to wash the stains from her body.

She ambles back up towards Sauchiehall Street to her favourite take away. She eats two slices of pizza with extra jalapenos, hoping to burn the taste of the men from her throat.

She stands outside, smokes a cigarette, and wonders what to do. She trudges back towards Blythswood Square.

Just two more, she thinks. Two more and I can go home.

9

My Heart

My heart is smashed into a thousand tiny pieces.

I don’t have the glue to put it back together.

And I lost the instruction manual years ago.

0

Who Goes First?

It’s better that I’m living without you

Rather than you living without me

You’d never cope with this pain

It has wrecked me

But it would have destroyed you

And I would have hated that

0

Mild Peril

I trace those old scars with my finger
I remember the fleeting pain
And the lasting relief

I never told anyone

I hope I'm not about to re-open old wounds

Literally
0

Waiting

It’s like you’ve been round at your pals house for the evening, and you’re going to call me in a minute to tell me you’re on the bus home…

But you never call…

0

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