"All my life's buried here, heap earth upon it"
All those petty squabbles you had
The cold shoulders and silent treatment
They all come home to roost,
You know,
When you’re dealing with bereavement
Bedtime Bickering
And
you
accuse
me of
being
flirtatious?
When
your
behaviour
tonight
has been
outrageous!
(Originally Posted 30.08.2020)
People say things
Get better with time
Which may be their truth
But it isn’t mine
Not Long Now
Each day brings
Yet more false hope
Along with an another
Earth shattering new low
I really am just
Biding my time now
Waiting until
It’s my turn to go
(Originally Posted 27.08.2019)
Stain free
Pain free
Neither really
Matter to me
As I’m still mad
And deeply sad
That this is how
It has to be
Only Sadness Remains
I wander barefoot
in the rain
Trying to wash
away your stain
Now that I’m left
in eternal pain
I’d give anything
to laugh again
(Originally Posted 12.08.2019)
Lockdown birthdays
Were no fun
Not for me
Or for anyone
This year I’ll make up
For being alone the last two
By spending the day
Having fun with you
That Time Of Year
Maybe
it’s
because
I can’t
be there
Or
perhaps
it’s
more
I just
don’t
care
For
now
that my
confidence
has
grown
I’ll
spend my
birthday
at home
alone
(Originally Posted 08.08.2020)
I asked for you
To give me time
And space to clear my head
But as you’ve shown
You can’t leave me alone
Let’s just call it quits instead
Over
Time may heal
Hearts can mend
Until then accept
This is the end
(Originally Posted 06.08.2019)
I’ll talk you through each step
He said
I’ll explain everything as we go
That’s not what concerns me
She said
It’s the resultant shame I need to forgo
Like Riding A Bike
It’s
not
that
I don’t
want
to
She
said
It’s
more
that
I don’t
know
how
Just
come a
little
closer
He
said
None
of
that
matters
now
(Originally Posted 05.08.2020)
It may well surprise you to know
I write most poems in under a minute
Especially each one of those
With a shitload of swear words in it
Catharsis
I
really
only
write
the
words
That
everyone
else is
thinking
I
just
say
what
comes
naturally
And
without
even
flinching
(Originally Posted 03.08.2020)
Off on
my travels
again
Hoping
this time
for something
new
But
time has
told me
And
experience
shown me
My dreams
will never
come true
Aspirations
Off on
my travels
again
Hoping to
find some
peace
Perhaps I’ll
meet someone
new
And this
heartache will
cease
(Originally Posted 31.07.2019)
Things were so hard
For me back then
Every day
My outlook was bleak
And though the worst has passed
I still feel downcast
For at least
One day each week
Not Today
No-one can shield me,
from this pain within.
Nothing can soothe me,
now the rot has set in.
(Originally Posted 24.07.2019)
I guess that’s why folks use Bumble
Grindr, Tinder and Hinge
Virtually searching for a fumble
For digital bodies on which to binge
Blindfolded
They
say
there’s
someone
for
everyone
But
how
can
that
possibly
be?
I’m
surprised
anyone
can
find
anyone
Trapped
in
this
insanity
(Originally Posted 23.07.2020)
It’s like reading
Someone else’s words
Lines
From a different story
But the heartache and pain
Mine they’ll always remain
So for those, I will take the glory
Poems From Another Time
It’s like reading
Someone else’s words
Listening
To someone else’s story
But the heartache
And the pain
That’s still all mine
(Originally Posted 18.07.2021)
They tell you that
It’s time that heals
But time moves
So fucking slowly
In fact all time does do
Is exacerbate the issue
When you’re this heartbroken
And lonely
When Will It End?
Biting my nails
until they bleed,
doesn’t give me
the relief I need.
Scratching my skin
until it’s breaking,
doesn’t stop my
heart from aching.
When will it end,
this pain I’m feeling?
When does it stop,
when do I start healing?
(Originally Posted 17.07.2019)
Sounds like I was sick of platitudes
Back when I wrote this one
Had enough of condescending attitudes
When all was said and done
Yet as I think about it now
I’d love to hear them again
But sympathy disappears
When it falls on deaf ears
And eventually you run out of friends
No Consolation
There’s
no
point
in
crying
Over
spilt
milk
God
loves
you
for
trying
Blah
blah
blah
(Originally Posted 10.07.2020)
It has gotten easier
To get out of bed
But life without him
Has not
For there is little relief
From the pain of grief
And that is now my lot
Options
I am amazed, yet again, that I’ve found the courage to get out of bed.
You have no idea how hard it is.
This sustained internal struggle.
The conscious effort required to motivate myself to move.
The strength of belief needed to convince my anxious brain that we can get through the day unscathed.
It’s exhausting.
If only I could return to the naivety of the past.
Travel back to a time when sadness was mere affectation.
Where melancholy was a comforting friend.
And death wasn’t such a viable option.
(Originally Posted 27.06.2019)
I don’t think
It will matter
How much time
Continues to turn
This will
Forever
Be the case
That much
I have learned
Three Score And Ten
Some
days
it feels
like
forever
Others
it feels
like a
minute
But no
matter
how
much
time has
passed
Life is
still
shit
without
you
in it
Xxx
(Originally Posted 17.06.2020)
I thought about you today.
Twice.
The first, when I sat and re-read this poem.
The second, when I tried to write a response.
It was only then I realised it has been nine hundred and twenty two days since you died.
And I remembered not just what I lost that day, but how much it still hurts now.
And I cried again today.
Twice.
The Corner of My Eye
I thought I saw you today.
Twice.
The first, when you were waiting to cross the road.
The second, when you were ahead of me in the queue at the post office.
It was only when you turned around, and I saw your face, that I realised it wasn’t you.
And I remembered, with a desperate ache, why it could never be you.
And I cried again today.
Twice.
(Originally Posted 10.06.2019)
Seventy three thousand words now
And I haven’t improved very much
It’s a good job those who read me
Aren’t ones too quick to judge
You’re Too Kind
Thirty
six
thousand
words
And
each
one of
them
shite
But now
I’ve
passed
one
thousand
followers
I
must
be doing
something
right
(Originally Posted 27.05.2020)
Only a year ago
This one
And still no better than when I started
Sometimes I fear
There’ll never be an end
To feeling so broken hearted
The End Of The Road
Pretending gets tiring
After a while
So in the end you stop
With no cylinders left firing
And an inibility to smile
It’s back up to that rooftop
(Originally Posted 13.05.2021)
It never ceases to amaze me
How blunt I was back then
It’s so clear to see
I wasn’t well, mentally,
When I read this one again
Another Day…
Another day of pretence dawns,
And my heart is full of dread.
Another chasm in my mind yawns,
And I wish that I was dead.
(Originally Posted 09.05.2019)
You were never once
In my possession
Yet you’ll forever be
My complete obsession
Everything
You
are the one
I will never
forget
I
am the one
you have already
forgotten
(Originally Posted 01.04.2019)
In difference to the year before
I’d travelled down to Glasgow here
I met up with an old friend
To discuss another one over beer
What a difference a year can make
Along with some heavy anti-depressants
As you can see I was far happier
And had never felt more present
Old Faces
I
loved
talking
to you
so much
tonight
It
bought
a tear
to my
eye
It seems
there’s
no one
else I
want to
sit with
And
watch
the
world
go by
(Originally Posted 30.03.2020)
Jesus.
How depressed was I?
I’d travelled over to Dublin
Albeit with a heavy sigh
I remember all those people
And all the fun they had
I remember trying to fit in
Even though I was pretty much mad
It’s sad to think back now
On just how much I missed
As I may well have been there in person
But I clearly did not want to exist
Travel
It doesn’t matter where in the world you go.
How beautiful the country you visit,
How fascinating the people you meet,
How much booze you drink.
You can’t run away from your thoughts.
You might have a different view from your window but your soul will remain as black as the night sky and, beneath it all, you’ll still be the same fuck up you always were.
Travel solves nothing.
(Originally Posted 30.03.2019)
Aware. Authentic.
Bold. Brave.
Charming. Creative.
Different. Defiant.
Enlightened. Expert.
Fearless. Feisty.
Grateful. Grounded.
Honorable. Hopeful.
Impassioned. Impressive.
Joyful. Jovial.
Knowledgeable. Kindhearted.
Lively. Loyal.
Mysterious. Memorable.
Novel. Noteworthy.
Original. Outrageous.
Passionate. Powerful.
Quirky. Quick-witted.
Realistic. Reliable.
Self reliant. Safe.
Thoughtful. Tender.
Upright. Unique.
Visible. Valued.
Worldly. Willing.
Xxx
Young. Yielding.
Zealous.
Alphabet Heart (Pt I)
Atrophied. Abandoned.
Bleak. Barren.
Crumpled. Cracked.
Dark. Dank.
Embittered. Enraged.
Failed. Forgotten.
Garotted. Gutted.
Hateful. Haunted.
Indignant. Idle.
Jagged. Jaded.
Knocked. Knotted.
Longing. Lost.
Maudlin. Morose.
Nightmarish. Numb.
Obstructed. Obliterated.
Paralysed. Prone.
Quiet. Queasy.
Rotten. Ravaged.
Stolen. Shattered.
Traumatised. Tainted.
Unloveable. Undone.
Violated. Vanquished.
Weeping. Wasted.
Xxx
Yearning. Yawning.
Zero.
(Originally Posted 28.03.2019)
Nearly nineteen years of my life
That’s what you had when you were alive
And now three years on
Since you’ve been gone
It still feels like me who died
The Debt Collector
You’ve
stolen
my life
from me
In
oh so
many
ways
It may well
have been
you that
died
But
I’m
the one
who pays
(Originally Posted 17.03.2020)
I felt like this
To begin with
When I still thought I could move on
But now I know
How fucking hard that is
I wish it was me that had gone
Who Goes First
It’s better that I’m living without you
Rather than you living without me
You’d never cope with this pain
It has wrecked me
But it would have destroyed you
And I would have hated that
(Originally Posted 14.03.2019)
I remember this
Only too well
Wandering around
In a daze
Living life
On autopilot
Trying to navigate
The maze
That conflict inside me
Never stopped
I still feel it
To this day
It’s just easier now
To do what I can
And to push the cannot
Away
I Can / I Cannot
I can forever buy token things,
But I cannot answer my phone if it rings.
I can try to plug the cavernous gap,
But I cannot avoid that same old trap.
I can seek out frames for your daft wee photos,
But I cannot keep all of your old clothes.
I can find different ways to while away the hours,
But I cannot keep watering those dead flowers.
I can pray today will be warm and sunny,
But I cannot walk around and pretend to be funny.
I can look for answers in the cold grey sky,
But I cannot continue to painfully cry.
I can avoid scenes of actual violence,
But I cannot ensure my wilful silence.
I can try with all I have to get myself through,
But I cannot ever stop myself from loving you.
(Originally Posted 10.3.2019)
It is becoming ever clearer
That I’ve spent too long
In amongst the mundane
Now enough time has passed
With me being downcast
And I want that high life again
The Train Home
Why
can’t
it be
like that
all the
time
Talking,
laughing
and
drinking
wine
It
always
feels
like
such a
crime
When I
have to
return
to this
life of
mine
(Originally Posted 08.03.2020)
I’ll be going on a journey
Down my very own memory lane
Back to the start of my WordPress life
To the advent of my pain
So please forgive me if you find
You are reading some posts again
But I feel the need to relive
Both the madness and the sane
That’s it all done now
There’ll be no more
Or no less
Thank you for living
Through this with me
And not minding all the mess
Four years ago
You left my side
And I still feel fucking sick
Even though I know
Death is inevitable
I still blame you, you prick
Xxx
It was easier when I was angry
When I was filled with hate
When I wanted nothing more
Than your head on a plate
It’s harder now I’m ‘better’
As the bitterness subsides
For all I have been left with
Is this hollowness inside
So who’s fault is it then
Yours or mine
Who was it that took this
Over the line?
Was it me
With my brutality
And supposed lack of rationality?
Or was it you
And your crew
With fuck all else with your time to do?
Either way it doesn’t matter
As the line has now been crossed
It’s just a shame that we’ll never know
Which one of us won or lost
I always
thought
being
with you
was hell
Seems
the boredom
of being
without you
is worse
Xxx
Time heals
Or so they say
Well, let me tell you
They fucking lie
Time does nothing
But march on
And you’re left
With no right to reply
4am
And my demons
Want revenge
Again
I really did love you, you know
I wish I’d told you so before
And now you’re gone
Nothing can be done
But to regret it
Forevermore
Xxx
‘I get along without you very well,
Of course I do.
Except perhaps in spring.
But I should never think of spring,
For that would surely break my heart in two’
‘The Young Man came to the Old Man seeking counsel.
I broke something, Old Man.
How badly is it broken?
It’s in a million little pieces.
I’m afraid I can’t help you.
Why?
There’s nothing you can do.
Why?
It can’t be fixed.
Why?
It’s broken beyond repair. It’s in a million little pieces.’
– James Frey
Walk down the aisle with me?
She said
The bakery aisle, that is
I thought you were being serious
He said
And my heart just skipped a beat
Xxx
Nearly twenty years together
And what do I have to show
Just a blackened heart
Now we’re three years apart
And sadness the status quo
Xxx
I wouldn’t thank you
For diamonds
And I don’t care
About pearls
I couldn’t give
Less of a shit
For all the stars
In the world
I just want you
Back here with me
If only
For a minute
For my life
Has lost it’s sparkle
Without you
Still in it
Xxx
I always thought
We’d empty the bucket
Before you actually
Kicked it
Xxx
We’ve already missed our moment
She said
So it’s best we don’t meet again
I know you love someone else
He said
But I’d still like to be your friend
I know
You’ll never ask again
I know
I missed my time
I know
You no longer feel the same
I know
You’ll never be mine
I guess I should be better now
Is that what you’re trying to say
I should be all sweetness and light
Having locked the darkness away
Well I’m sorry to disappoint you
But that’s not how this shit works
Time doesn’t heal all wounds
In fact it makes it worse
See whilst the world moves itself on
I fall further and further behind
For the pain of his loss is lifelong
And to that I am resigned
Xxx
If you no longer love each other
Then what’s the fucking point
Just staying together to destroy each other
Noses permanently out of joint
Why not just call it quits
As it’s clear neither of you tries
That has to be better than being miserable
Until one of the two of you dies
There’s nothing left to say
She said
Now my future is on track
You once took my breath away
She said
But now I want it back
“So we shall let the reader answer this question for himself: who is the happier man, he who has braved the storm of life and lived or he who has stayed securely on shore and merely existed?”
– Hunter S. Thompson
Once upon a time
When I was ill
I truly believed
That this was it
I couldn’t see
Anything else for me
But another day
Drowning in shit
But now life is better
I have found
And I can finally
See a plan
So it is time
To return that rope
As quickly
As I can
I wish
I could
Take it back
All this time
That’s gone
To waste
Now
You’ll never know
Who I am
Because of
A choice
Made in haste
The kettle
Boils faster
Now it’s only filled
For one
Xxx
“Justice and humaneness have never gone hand in hand. The law is not a sentimental comedy.”
– Captain Watkin Tench
‘The trouble is,
You think you have time’
– Bhudda
Things are fine
Most of the time
I quite forget
That you even got ill
But then I’ll drink wine
And from nowhere, time
Once again
Stands still
Xxx
It’s funny how
The world went on
Like it didn’t miss
The fact you’d gone
Xxx
If only you’d seen
What these eyes have seen
Perhaps then
You could understand
If it was you crying
As he lay dying
You’d know why I made
That demand
I’ve never felt
More alone
Than I do now
In my own home
‘Time time time
See what’s become of me’
I’m still sad
All the time
Not that you’d know
Or care
It was me who lost him
Not you
So take your bullshit
Elsewhere
Ramblings Of A Fragile Mind 
You must be logged in to post a comment.