Tag: update

An Endless Cycle

I thought about you today.

Twice.

The first, when I sat and re-read this poem.

The second, when I tried to write a response.

It was only then I realised it has been nine hundred and twenty two days since you died.

And I remembered not just what I lost that day, but how much it still hurts now.

And I cried again today.

Twice.

The Corner of My Eye

I thought I saw you today.

Twice.

The first, when you were waiting to cross the road.

The second, when you were ahead of me in the queue at the post office.

It was only when you turned around, and I saw your face, that I realised it wasn’t you.

And I remembered, with a desperate ache, why it could never be you.

And I cried again today.

Twice.

(Originally Posted 10.06.2019)

6

Interred

If only it was

An abyss we shared

Rather than you long gone

And me ill-prepared

Captives

Was it you

Or was it me

Who soldiered on

Too blind to see

It was always destined

To end like this

With both of us falling

Into the abyss

(Originally Posted 10.06.2021)

0

A Martian Named Smith

Not only did I steal

An LP that night

But I also pilfered

A book

I’d always believed

Sci-fi wasn’t for me

But I’m so glad

He allowed me look

Squeeze

Such
a broken
heartened
man

In a
broken
hearted
land

If
only
I could
see you

I
would
squeeze
your
hand

And
never
let it
go

(Originally Posted 09.06.2020)

14

Died

And
then

He
did

Duped

You
must
never
leave
me

She
said

For
I
would
fall
apart

I’ll
stay
with
you
forever

He
said

I could
never
break
your
heart

(Originally Posted 08.06.2020)

6

Told You

I bumped into her

The other day

And it seems my prediction

Was right

As from what she said

He was so shit in bed

They didn’t even last

The night

Love’s Young Dream

Dance, you fools, dance

Dance far away from me

For I’ve seen all of the romance

That I need to see

I know only too well

How all this bullshit ends

Give it a year,

Maybe two,

And you won’t even be friends

(Originally Posted 08.06.2020)

2

Something Changed

Surely you must have known

He said

Not to fall in love with me

I just didn’t expect

She said

That it would happen so easily

I Love You

If I met you again,
For the first time,
I wouldn’t change a thing.

I’d do it all again,
Exactly the same,
Taking you under my wing.

But I should have,
if I could have,
told you that
I loved you
more.

Perhaps then
my life now
wouldn’t be
so difficult
to endure.

(Originally Posted 08.06.2019)

0

Persona(l)

I’m
glad
I don’t
give
much
away

As if
I did,
you’d
never
come
back

Self Esteem

There’s
nothing
more
disheartening

That
brings
me
consternation
and
strife

Than
to find
I’m
more
captivating

On
the
page

Than
I could
ever be
in real life

(Originally Posted 07.06.2020)

7

Man-Made

I should try to be considerate

And care about people more

Yet anything but belligerence,

It seems,

I was not pre-programmed for

I, Robot

The kindness of others never ceases to amaze me…

Although my inability to replicate it does.

(Originally Posted 07.06.2019)

8

The Songs That Saved My Life

You were all I had

When he died

And I didn’t know how to cope

I was driven mad

Each time I cried

And you were my only hope

‘The Boy’s No Good… ‘

As
I sit
and
listen

To each
word you
say

All
of my
pain

Simply
ebbs
away

(Originally Posted 06.06.2020)

10

Larkin Had It Right

If I’d had a decent role model

Maybe I’d know what to do

But as my childhood was a debacle

I’ve got nothing to compare this to

The Reverse

I’ve never felt happiness,
I don’t know what it is.

I’ve never even seen happiness,
But I’m pretty sure it’s not this.

(Originally Posted 06.06.2019)

2

And It Rhymes With Hunt

I was trying to be polite back then

By calling you a ‘loathsome swine’

But since I have reflected

Something more apt springs to mind

(Never) Ending Hostilities

Whoever
told
me to
forgive
you was
wrong

There’s
no way
we can
ever
get
along

For
you
are
just a
loathsome
swine

Who
isn’t
a worth
second
of my
time

(Originally Posted 05.06.2020)

11

The Transaction (Re-Written)

Give it to me good, baby

Treat me a little rough

I really will not mind

If you talk a little tough

Squeeze me too tightly, baby

Pinch me pretty hard

You can do ‘most anything

Just please don’t leave me scarred

The Transaction

Give it to me hard

Give it to me rough

I honestly won’t mind

If you act a little tough

Squeeze me a little too tightly

Pinch me a little too hard

I just want to feel something

That doesn’t leave me scarred

(Originally Posted 05.06.2020)

11

That It Comes To This

No one talks about you

Anymore

It’s like you were never here

And for that

I’ll never forgive them

On all that I hold dear

Commitment

You were
always so
terrified
that I
would leave.

When,
after all
was said
and done,
I was the
only one
who stayed.

(Originally Posted 05.06.2019)

4

I Tried My Best

To
patch
it up

But
alas
it seems

I was
out of
luck

The Life Raft

Full
of
holes

As
it
rocks

Against
the
shoals

(Originally Posted 04.06.2020)

5

Tickets Please

I wrote this one

On a train

Unhappy with life

Once again

Insides

Another grey sky.
Another bleak landscape.
Another version of me.
Looking out,
Looking in.

(Originally Posted 04.06.2019)

3

Hands Up

I win

You lose

Now it’s you

Who’ll fucking bruise

Hands Down

You
win

I
lose

Ain’t
that

The
fucking
truth

(Originally Posted 03.06.2020)

0

‘Looks Like We Made It…’

Can we stop running now

She said

And make our new home here

This will do just fine

He said

Now let’s open that beer

Nirvana

Are
we
here
now

She
said

Away
from
all
that
shit?

I am
not too
sure

He
said

Let’s
make
a run
for it

(Originally Posted 03.06.2020)

5

Same Shit Different Day

I travelled a lot that spring

Most of it in a daze

Birthdays, weddings and weekends away

All came and went in a haze

Yet I found consequently

Whatever good time I was shown

I would feel subsequently

That I was very much alone

1000 Miles

The message from the search engine pings.

Its spies inform me that last month I visited:

Three different countries,
Fifteen different cities,
And twenty one different places.

That means I travelled over 1000 miles, last month.

Each one without you.

And every one with an empty heart.

(Originally Posted 03.06.2019)

10

‘The Voice Inside My Head’

Whatever you say

Won’t hurt me

For when it comes

To my mental health

There is nothing that

I am better at

Than flagellating

Myself

Plus Ça Change

So
this
is
it

Lying
in bed
all day
again

Wine
and
cigarettes
my only
friend

I’m so
bored
of this
shit

I
could
make
myself
sick

I
really
am
nothing

But a
nauseating
prick

(Originally Posted 02.06.2020)

8

The Truce

People mean well

I tell myself

They are mostly just trying their best

It’s not their fault

If they sometimes fall short

So I should give the hostility a rest

Interaction

Give
me a
thumbs
up

And
I’ll
give
you
two

All
whilst
silently

Whispering
fuck
you

(Originally Posted 02.06.2020)

6

Special Measures

You may look remorseful now

And you may appear contrite

But let’s see how you act

When I tell them the fact

You nearly killed me that night

On Borrowed Time

You can sit there all you want

My friend

Picking at your thumbs

But you and I know

How this will end

When the day of reckoning comes

(Originally Posted 01.06.2021)

0

Zzzopiclone

I may excel

At many things

But to my eternal dismay

I know fine well

That sleep, it seems,

Will never be quite my forte

The Dream Catcher

Bad thoughts creep

As I’m without sleep

For yet another night

Fears won’t keep

Whilst I lie and weep

Losing the will to fight

(Originally Posted 01.06.2020)

4

Desiderate

Even now I struggle

To lie on your side of the bed

I just wish you were in it

As often as you are my head

Xxx

A King Sized Longing

Lying in bed

Late at night

I turn over

With a sigh

I reach out

With my hand

But it’s now empty

Where you would lie

Xxx

(Originally Posted 31.05.2021)

12

In Thrall

I have said

Time and time again

“That’s it – I’ve had enough”

But it proves pointless

Time and time again

As leaving you is just too tough

‘It’s In The Trees…’

How do I give you up

My drug of choice

You don’t stand a chance

Whispers the voice

(Originally Posted 31.05.2020)

4

That Old Chestnut

I wish I could say

I’d never take you back

But if I did

I would be lying

You’ll always have a way

To knock me off track

Even without

You really trying

I Am My Own Temple

You only get one chance with me

And you blew it good and proper

Now it’s not about forgiveness

It’s all about my honour

(Originally Posted 30.05.2021)

2

After The Party

As empty bottles clink

Into paper bags

My heart start to sink

And motivation flags

I was happy you came over

That much is true

Yet I can’t help but wish

She hadn’t left with you

More Or Less

I
guess
I am
happy

More
or
less

Even
though
I’m the
one

Left
cleaning
up the
mess

(Originally Posted 30.05.2020)

2

For The Best

I never did tell him the truth

Of where I went that day

But even though I did it

I’m glad I hid it

As I could never hurt him that way

Deceit

Lying to
myself
is bad
enough

But
lying
to you
hurts
more

But
there’s
no way
I could
be truthful

That’s
for
fucking
sure

(Originally Posted 29.05.2020)

0

The Blues

I spent much of 2020

In a drug induced dwam

I found the only way

To cope with each day

Was to eat diazepam

Going Over

And
then
it
hits

Like
a ton
of
bricks

And
I don’t
feel a
thing

(Originally Posted 29.05.2020)

4

Just Enough Justification

That day you decided

To take it all from me

Yet all you actually provided

Was the route to set me free

You Know Nothing

I do not want your pity

Your sympathy is of no use

I care nothing for your tears

As your grief is just an excuse

(Originally Posted 29.05.2019)

0

There’s No Fun In Funeral

Crying in the chapel

Many years ago

Missing you intently

And wishing it wasn’t so

Granite

I wish
you were
with me

Gently
squeezing
my hand

Providing
me with
comfort

Helping me
understand

(Originally Posted 28.05.2020)

4

French Exits

As I lie with yet another

Notch on my bed post

I am grateful for a lover

But that’s as far as it goes

Just Another Fish

I suppose
I should
make it
clear

Right
from the
very
start

You may
delight
my
body

But you
will never
have my
heart

(Originally Posted 28.05.2020)

9

The Kitchen Sink Elixir

No matter what

Problem you have

Or whatever the issue

May be

There isn’t anything

That can’t be fixed

By an old fashioned

Cup of tea

Sacrilege

I didn’t think

There was anything else

You could do to anger me

But then you go

And confront me with

A fucking awful cup of tea

(Originally Posted 27.05.2021)

8

Imposter Syndrome

Seventy three thousand words now

And I haven’t improved very much

It’s a good job those who read me

Aren’t ones too quick to judge

You’re Too Kind

Thirty
six
thousand
words

And
each
one of
them
shite

But now
I’ve
passed
one
thousand
followers

I
must
be doing
something
right

(Originally Posted 27.05.2020)

12

The Cliché Continues

So I’m hearing you say you feel empty

He said

Could you expand further on this

Haven’t you heard enough

She said

To put an end to this bullshit

Such A Cliché

I don’t
know if
you’re
aware

She
said

But
I’ve
been
feeling
rather
down

Let me
fetch my
notebook

He
said

Reaching
forward
with a
frown

(Originally Posted 26.05.2020)

10

Soon Enough

I hear you have moved on since then

And got yourself a job

I wonder when others

Will see your true colours

And agree you’re a fucking snob

Supercilious Bint

Carry on ‘studying’

For your Mickey Mouse degree

But just know whatever happens

You’ll never be better than me

(Originally Posted 26.06.2020)

4

The Commute

As we sit

On the bus each day

I cannot help

But look your way

Wondering when

You’ll break away

And hoping that

You’ll be OK

Inkling

I think you feel

The way I do

That your heart beats

Like mine does too

That your mind wanders

On a similar path to me

That you also dream

Of when you’ll be free

(Originally Posted 25.05.2020)

2

If Only I Wasn’t Risk Averse (Scenario B)

If only I wasn’t risk averse

My world would open up

If only I wasn’t risk averse

I could see more of life closeup

Deep Breaths

Maybe
you’ll
change
your
mind

Or
maybe
you
won’t

But
one
thing
is for
sure

You’ll
regret
it if
you
don’t

(Originally Posted 25.05.2020)

5

If Only I Was Risk Averse (Scenario A)

If only I was risk averse

I would avoid these situations

If only I was risk averse

I could lay better foundations

Unhappy Endings

I wish
we’d never
started this.

Then we
wouldn’t have
to end it.

(Originally Posted 25.05.2019)

0

No Room At The Inn

You should look for someone else

They say

Now time’s moved on a bit

I wouldn’t know where to start

I say

Or where in my head they’d fit

HeadRoom

I
did
not
realise

That
space
in my
head

Would
still be
filled
by you

Even
though
you’re
dead

(Originally Posted 24.05.2020)

4

From The Back Row

Crying because I was happy

Crying because I was sad

Crying because I had lost

The best friend I’d ever had

Joy and Sadness

Resisting
the urge
to cry
today
is futile.

(Originally Posted 24.05.2019)

2

Heartbreaker

Thank God

I never gave him this

As I don’t think

He’d have ever recovered

Young love is such

A fickle thing

As I’m sure

He’s since discovered

(I’m Not In) Love Letters

I read,
read
and
read it
again

But it
doesnt
change
a thing

I can’t
take
back
what
I wrote

Or
remove
it’s
sting

(Originally Posted 23.05.2020)

15

Departures

When I sat down and wrote this one

Everyone else was at the bar

(In the grand scheme of things that day

We hadn’t travelled very far)

Whilst I waited for my drink

I plastered on a smile

Wishing I was anywhere but

En route to the Emerald Isle

The Airport Lounge

It doesn’t matter how loud people are

They never drown out the voices inside my head.

(Originally Posted 23.05.2019)

4

Accuracy

I’d never use that word lightly

Or just for its shock value

In fact, I only ever use it rightly

And that’s when I’m describing you

Dumped

All
those
times
I was
there
for
you

I
never
asked
for a
thing
in return

Well
you’re
on your
own

You
self
righteous
cunt

So
now
perhaps
you’ll
learn

(Originally Posted 22.05.2020)

15

Dead To You

You will never stand

At my grave and weep

As you’ll never know

Where it is

Animosity

You can
keep your
feigned apology

For your
friendship
now means
nothing to me

I shall
live without
you merrily

Waiting for
the day
everyone
will see

Just how
wicked and
cruel you
can be

(Originally Posted 22.05.2019)

6

Actually, It’s Not Me That’s The Problem

If you lowered your expectations

I reckon we’d be OK

But if you feel it integeral

To keep me on that pedestal

It’ll only end in dismay

‘All The Time…’

If I
could
be

Who
you
want

Me
to
be

Perhaps
then
we

Would
both be
happy

(Originally Posted 21.05.2020)

A Clean Bill Of Health

Maybe it wasn’t a prison

But it certainly felt like it

I’d do anything not to go back there

Even if that means faking it

Climbing The Walls

Let
me
out

She
said

You
cannot
keep me
here

I
think
you’ll
find we
can

He
said

The
law is
very
clear

(Originally Posted 21.05.2020)

3

Thank Fuck For Waterproof Mascara

I had a lot of fun that day

And I looked beautiful too

Yet on the hour, every hour

I cried alone in the loo

Wedding Bells

Who knows
what will happen
when I get there.

Who knows
what will happen
along the way.

What I do know
is that you
won’t be there.

And my tears
will fall
all day.

(Originally Posted 21.05.2019)

10

How It Manifests

It isn’t just restricting

That should raise a red flag

Sometimes when you’re binging

It can be just as bad

Once More For The Cheap Seats

If
only
I was
wasting
away

Maybe
it would
be easier
to explain

Why my
heart is
broken and
my tongue
is tied

And
I live
each day
in pain

(Originally Posted 20.05.2020)

4

I Can Still Hear Her Now

I’m not drunk

She says

It’s all in your head

I know you’re lying

She says

I’ve seen under your bed

Mother’s Ruin

As
the rot
starts
to set
in

I
pour
myself
another
gin

To
silence
the pain
in my
head

As
the
thoughts
seem to
shift

My
mood
starts
to
lift

And
I can
finally
get out
of bed

(Originally Posted 20.05.2020)

2

Rhyme 101

I was obviously aiming

For something highbrow

Yet I fear this one

Misses the mark somehow

I’ve gotten better, I hope,

And developed this skill

So these words I can now

Consign to landfill

Underground

As
sinister
shadows
loom,
I
see
my
tomb.

Through
the
gloom,
my
dreams
resume.

(Originally Posted 20.05.2019)

2

The Residential Unit

I said this out loud

Believe it or not

Once, in a hospital

That time forgot

Back then I was sick

And definitely tired

As all my issues

Felt pretty hard wired

The poor therapist

Didn’t know where to look

As she scribbled about me

In her hard backed book

The room fell silent

Apart from one boy

Who looked up and smiled

And I jumped for joy

Someone finally understood me

Somebody else felt my pain

So we went and smoked cigarettes

Until group therapy started again

Group Therapy

I’m
glad
you
find
it
helpful

But I
certainly
do not

What’s
the
point
in
telling
tales

When
you’ve
already
lost
the
plot?

(Originally Posted 19.05.2020)

14

One Trick Pony

Can’t you change things up

He said

All you do is bitch and whine

I honestly would if I could

She said

As I bore myself half the time

Myself

Why can’t I trust myself,
like I trusted you?

Why can’t I protect myself,
like I protected you?

Why can’t I love myself,
like I loved you?

Why?

(Originally Posted 19.05.2019)

2

At His Hands

Sometimes

The words I use

Are not deliberately explicit

Sometimes

The words I choose

Are inherently implicit

Overpowered

It is
not
only
my
heart
that
bleeds

As
you
take
care
of
your
own
needs

(Originally Posted 18.05.2020)

6

Oscillating

I’d still rather have you

Both ways

Than to never have had you

At all

The Past

Some days
it’s easy
to remember
you

Some days
it’s hard
to forget
you

Some days
I don’t want
to remember
you

Some days
I never want
to forget
you

(Originally Posted 18.05.2019)

4

Harder Than It Looks

My only haiku

A skill I do not possess

Best not try again

Searching For A Haiku

Out walking alone

Serotonin in winter

Remains elusive

(Originally Posted 17.05.2021)

26

Seeing Stars

As my cuts bleed

I beg and plead

That this pain

Will be my last

Internal Bleeding

Words
can’t
explain

This
eternal
ache

It
hurts
so much

When
I’m
awake

(Originally Posted 17.05.2020)

7

How Times Change

I guess I was re-watching

One of those films from my youth

As I was reminded

That for romance now

I am too long in the tooth

It’s Way More Than 10…

It’s the little things

That I hate

And the big things too

In fact there isn’t anything

That I actually like about you

(Originally Posted 16.05.2021)

4

Eat Sleep Shit Repeat

Like a constant stream

From the mouth that feeds

Life has me bound

And on my knees

Never-Ending

Another minute

Another hour

Another day

Another shower

Of shite

(Originally Posted 16.05.2020)

5

Random #200

‘People disappoint.

Pizza is eternal.’

– Unknown

‘I’ll Be There For You…’

They
claim
that you’re
not on
your
own

But
it
certainly
feels
like
it

Over
time
they
will all
fade
away

While
you’re
still
wading
through
shit

(Originally Posted 15.05.2020)

6

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