"All my life's buried here, heap earth upon it"
I still don’t know
What the fuck to do
Even though today
I’m forty two
Entering My Fifth Decade
So I
turned
forty
today
And
what
exactly
did
I do?
Nothing
But
drink,
smoke
and cry
too much
Like
every
other
day
Without
you
Xxx
(Originally Posted 08.08.2020)
Each a favourite band
To have on hand
When life gets a little bit dark
For there’s nothing finer
Than a guy in eyeliner
To help mend a broken heart
Cure Mode
Enjoying
the
silence
With my
pictures
of you
Running
to your
heart to
be near
And
although
pleasures
remain
As you
fall into
my arms
Equally,
so does
the pain
(Originally Posted 28.07.2020)
This was just one route
That I’d considered
Amongst the many others
I had planned
I’d completely lost the plot
I think
In a way not many
Would understand
It seems that I
Had turned that choice
Into some kind of
Romantic notion
Which, it seems
For a while at least
Is how I coped
With my emotions
It took me some time
To best those thoughts
And to comprehend
The brutality of falling
But that’s not to say
They truly went away
And all I’m doing now, really
Is stalling
Look Out!
Falling
Tumbling
Through the air
Wondering
What it’s like
Down there
People standing
Faces aghast
Yet I don’t care
As I breathe my last
(Originally Posted 19.07.2020)
There was a period of time
After he died
When I returned to my old ways
Auditioning random men
As a replacement
All in a drunken haze
Thankfully
It didn’t last
And it proved to be just a phase
As I realised
Pretty quickly
It didn’t help with my malaise
On A Promise
What happens when the music stops
She said
Do we have to go home?
Wherever you end up going
He said
You won’t be going alone
(Originally Posted 01.07.2021)
It has gotten easier
To get out of bed
But life without him
Has not
For there is little relief
From the pain of grief
And that is now my lot
Options
I am amazed, yet again, that I’ve found the courage to get out of bed.
You have no idea how hard it is.
This sustained internal struggle.
The conscious effort required to motivate myself to move.
The strength of belief needed to convince my anxious brain that we can get through the day unscathed.
It’s exhausting.
If only I could return to the naivety of the past.
Travel back to a time when sadness was mere affectation.
Where melancholy was a comforting friend.
And death wasn’t such a viable option.
(Originally Posted 27.06.2019)
Five cans
Six cans
Seven cans
Eight
No point
Stopping now
It’s already
Too late
Six Pack Blues
One can
Two cans
Three cans
Four
Perhaps
I should eat
Before
I drink
Any more
(Originally Posted 19.06.2020)
As my cuts bleed
I beg and plead
That this pain
Will be my last
Internal Bleeding
Words
can’t
explain
This
eternal
ache
It
hurts
so much
When
I’m
awake
(Originally Posted 17.05.2020)
Upon my skin
Those scars abound
A better release
I’ve never found
Precision
Just be
careful
not to
slip
Not one
ounce of
blood to
drip
For you
do not want
them to
see
Just how
messed
up you
can be
(Originally Posted 27.04.2020)
The days still march on,
But now I run forward.
Always in step,
Everything in place,
And just about in time.
Out
The days march on,
But I trail behind.
Out of step,
Out of place,
Out of time.
(Originally Posted 09.04.2019)
The scars I carry
Across my body
May well be off the chart
But now I focus
On pulling myself together
Instead of tearing myself apart
Relief
As I
open
up my
scars
The
blood
flows
once
more
As I
begin
to see
stars
I fall,
sated,
to the
floor
(Originally Posted 03.04.2020)
If alcohol doesn’t soothe me
And music doesn’t move me
It’s no wonder I can’t cope
This crippling anxiety
Coupled with impropriety
Has left me devoid of hope
Don’t bother asking me
As I will only say no
I’m only drinking
To stop me thinking
So I’ll just buy my own
It was you who made things difficult
It was you who made things worse
You who added injury to insult
It was you who left me cursed
It was you who made me doubt myself
It was you who made me cry
You who just pleased yourself
It was you who never asked why
But as for all that has followed
All that has now came to be
Every pill that I have swallowed
That’s on no one else but me
I fucking hate Christmas
Just like Christmas hates me
Walking on eggshells all day
Faking smiles around a tree
I learned when I was five
Santa doesn’t deliver for free
That he prefers ‘good little girls’
And the one he favoured that year was me
As an adult I’ve tried to make it better
To erase him from my memory
But I still fucking hate Christmas
Just like Christmas hates me
Time heals
Or so they say
Well, let me tell you
They fucking lie
Time does nothing
But march on
And you’re left
With no right to reply
They are all just scars,
Inked or otherwise.
It really doesn’t matter
If I scratch, cut or burn
For what I do in the shadows
Is none of your concern
It’s the feel
The sizzle
The smell
The burn
The sweet release of everything
And owing nothing in return
Today is going to be hard,
I know,
But that is why I’m here.
To eat, drink and smoke
With you
And wipe away your tears.
Xxx
It’s better that I’m alone
With only the sound of the sea
Living up here is, after all,
Where I was always meant to be
Xxx
How on earth do you cope
He asked
With all the loneliness
You don’t have any choice
She said
When you’ve got no one left
It’s like reading
Someone else’s words
Listening
To someone else’s story
But the heartache
And the pain
That’s still all mine
They say after a while
It stops hurting
Yet thirty one months later
I’m still in pain
If anything it feels
Like I’m reverting
Back to those dark old days
Again
Life goes on
Day after day
I just wish it didn’t
Have to be this way
Xxx
Life without you recently
Certainly has been gloomy
Even if my heart is now
That little bit more roomy
Words spill
Onto the page
Just like the blood
From my veins
I see you there
With your vacant stare
Drowning in infinite sadness
But never fear
I’ll alway be here
Trying to sweep away your madness
I play them too often nowadays
Just to feel the pain
It’s better then feeling nothing
Again and again and again…
Stitch my wounds, if you like
I want to feel the pain
Don't call me a silly girl
For I'll only do it again
Ask me why, if you like
But you will never understand
The need, the comfort, the urgency
Those scissors close at hand
Leave me here, if you like
Walk away if you dare
Just remember I never asked for your help
Or your tender loving care
Forget I exist, if you like
It will not bother me one bit
For I'll always have my trusty blade
And carry my own first aid kit
(Originally Posted 08.04.2019)
It’s four twenty five in the afternoon and I’m still lying in bed.
Trying, in vain, to sleep away the thoughts inside my head.
Perhaps I should get up and go out for a bracing walk instead.
It has to be better than staying in here and wishing I was dead.
(Originally Posted 22.06.2019)
The darker nights
Are drawing in,
Not least those
In my heart.
I should stop
Drinking bathtub gin,
Now that would
Be a start.
(Originally Posted 09.04.2019)
Ramblings Of A Fragile Mind 
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