Rolling Out The Red Carpet

Presenter 1: ‘And the award for the biggest lie of them all goes to…’

(drum roll)

Presenters 1 & 2 in unison: ‘…I’m Fine!’

(applause)

Voiceover: ‘And collecting the award tonight are Honestly and I Promise, who both played a key role in supporting I’m Fine in the 2020 film ‘How Are You Today’

The Bakery Aisle

You’re in the supermarket on a cold winters day.

You’re minding your own business, pushing your trolley and checking items off your list when your nose twitches at the smell of freshly baked bread. Tempted, you wander over to the bakery.

Your stomach grumbles as you peruse the counter. Your eyes widen as they drink in the glorious delights on offer. Loaves, rolls, buns, cakes, pastries, biscuits, tarts: each as tantalising as the next. After much internal deliberation you finally decide which one to buy.

A chocolate eclair.

You signal your selection to the assistant who hands you your prize in a cardboard box, neatly tied with ribbon. You carefully place the box at the far end of your trolley, safely stowed away from heavier household goods that might roll around and crush it.

You finish the rest of your shopping a little quicker now, somehow lighter of step, and stride with purpose to the checkout.

You hastily pack and pick up your shopping bags but you grip the box tightly in your hand, carrying it safely all the way out to your car.

You drive along with the box calling to you, provocatively, on the passenger seat. You glance over every few minutes, stretching out a protective hand and smiling in anticipation.

You get home and unpack your shopping whilst waiting, impatiently, for the kettle to boil. The box consumes your thoughts as you drum your fingers on the counter top, and your excitement continues to build.

You sit down in your favourite chair and make yourself comfortable. You tenderly untie the ribbon and lift the lid of the box. You lick your lips as your heart quickens and you finally take a bite of the glistening chocolate eclair.

You begin to realise, as you chew, that it doesn’t taste as good as you thought it would.

The cream is artificial and bland. The pastry is soggy and sticks to your cheeks. The chocolate is saccharine and hurts your teeth.

Disappointed, you put the remaining piece of the chocolate eclair back into the box, close the lid and re-tie the ribbon. You throw the box in the bin without a care in the world.

And that’s what love is like.

Being lured in by the chocolate eclair when, all along, you really should have picked the strawberry tart.

(Originally Posted 07.03.2019)

 

Ode To A Cockroach

You have no heart

You have no soul

Just crawl back

Into whatever hole

You came from

And die, motherfucker, die

(Originally Posted 03.08.2019)

Recording

It’s like living in a film

Where someone else has pressed Play

You are unable to Rewind

And you cannot hit Pause

To Fast Forward is inconceivable

As all you want to do is Stop

And Eject

(Originally Posted 17.05.2019)

Quickstep

Run around

Jump up and down

There’s a new love in town!

He’s really neat

And ever so sweet

This black heart skips a beat

I think that now

I’m ready for more

I want him to whisk me

Across the dancefloor

One Night Only

This bed’s not big enough

For the both of us

So I’ll be the one to leave

We should just be glad

For the time we’ve had

And the little bit of reprieve

Cited

From
everyone else

At the
time

I picked
you out

To be
mine

To love,
honour

And
obey

And
I did

Until
you

Walked
away

Temptation

Although
it seems
I’ve
lost
my way

I’d
like to
make it
back
someday

Now all
I can
do is
hope
and
pray

That
you
won’t
lead me
further
astray

Overpaid Playboys

It’s
been
great
to hear
so much
more

Without
the
noise
of the
crowd

I
only
wish
it would
stay like
this

So we
hear
their
passion
out loud

Quicksand

I’ve
no
idea

How
I got
in

But
I know
I can’t

Get
out

There’s
no one
here

To
lend
a hand

Or
act
upon

My
shout

The Transaction

Give it to me hard

Give it to me rough

I honestly won’t mind

If you act a little tough

Squeeze me a little too tightly

Pinch me a little too hard

I just want to feel something

That doesn’t leave me scarred

Circling

Like
vultures

Eyeing up
the bones

Of those of us
who went before

Now rotting
on the stones

Sanitised

Don’t
come
anywhere
near
me

I don’t
know
where
you’ve
been

There’s
no way
you are
touching
me

Until
your
hands
are
clean

Last Orders

Is that
really
it

There’s
nothing
more?

She asks
while
falling
to the
floor

We’ve
drunk
it all

The
well
is dry

He
exclaims
with a
tear in
his eye

Ennui

How
do
you
like it

He
asked

Quite
soft or
a little
rough?

Either
way
around

She
said

I’ve
already
had
enough

Gale Force(d)

Outside
the
storm
rages

With
all of its
power
and might

I’m so
glad I
don’t have
to walk

Home
alone
again
tonight

Tooth And Nail

I don’t care
who you are

Or if you think
you’re right

You will not get
the best of me

For I’ll never
give up this fight

RSV P(iss Off)

What are you
inviting me for?

After all
this time

I was sure you
had eradicated me

From the
family line

Well, let me save
you the bother

I wouldn’t even
want to come

Not unless I’d
get two free shots

With a fucking
sawn off shot gun

The Loan

I’ve
never
felt
relief
like it

To have
something
go right
despite it
looking like
it was
all over

Now I
must try
hard to
make it
count

For who
knows
when,
yet
again,
that debt
will mount

Leech

I
don’t
owe
you a
penny

But
you
sure
owe
me

For
putting
food in
your
belly

And
living
in my
head
rent free

This Next Wee While

If you
notice
that I’ve
gone

There’s
no need
to worry

Sometimes
I have
to run
away

From
situations
in a hurry

But I’ll
most
certainly
return

So please,
fret
ye not

I will be
coming
back very
soon

To reclaim
my top
spot

Unfathomable Cruelty

Only I
know why
the caged
bird sings

It’s because
some bastard
clipped it’s
wings

Yet as the
tears rise
and the
anger stings

The bird
knows it’s
just one of
those things

The University of Life

I’m
learning
more and
more, day
by day.

Going to
lectures,
finding
my way.

Knowing
when to
work and
when to
play

Hoping
you’ll
be there,
on my
Graduation
Day.

Outbid

Don’t
give
up,

The
email
reads,

You can
still get
what you
want.

Only an
automated
response,

I
believe,

Could
be so
nonchalant.

I Surrender

It’s the
first
thought
I have

When
I
wake

A
desire
so
dark

My heart
starts
to
shake

As the
hour of my
certain
end draws
near

Will today
be the
day I
release
my fear?

The Fall

I am
unsure
how it
happened

And I
certainly
don’t
know why

There’s
nothing left
for me to
do now

But
just sit
around
and cry

The Choice

Nobody knows
that pain
more than me

If only there
was a way to
make you see

If you could
just set
yourself free

How much
happier
you would be

Car Trouble

Nothing makes this better

Everything makes it worse

A body straining in first gear

And a mind stuck in reverse

The Washing Machine of Life

Up and down
Spinning around
No stability
to be found

Right and left
Side to side
Nowhere else
left to hide

Hang on,
where did
this sock
come from?

And where
the fuck
is the
other one?

Under The Covers

I can be
with you,
she said,
when my
sadness no
longer shows

Then we
will go to
a place,
he said,
where no one
else knows

All At Sea

Abandon
hope
all ye
who enter
here

But why,
Captain,
there’s
nothing
to fear

Give
it time
for they
will
come

And I
can’t save
you from the
impending
scrum

Let

I let
myself
down
today

When I
let you
inside
my head

I wish I
could
just let
you go

And let
myself
enjoy life
instead

Work

Well I
guess
there’s
nothing
else for it

Three hours
left wading
through
this
bullshit

Perhaps I
should
hand in
my notice
and quit

At least
then that
would be
the end
of it

Tarnished

That ring
you gave
me has
slowly
turned
my finger
green

A more
appropriate
metaphor
for our
relationship
I have
never seen

Hand Luggage

This weight
is too heavy

Its burden
is too great

Yet I struggle
on regardless

Resigned
to my fate

The Meaning of Life

Half laughing at some shit joke

Badly told by some prick you can't stand

One eye trained on the nearest exit

But too scared to take your hand

And run

 

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