When I first started 
Posting here 
I was struggling 
To hold on
A deep sadness
Had engulfed me
And all 
Of my hope 
Was gone 

My partner 
Of nigh on
Twenty years 
Had died
Just four months 
Before 
My heart 
Was broken 
And my life, then, 
A token 
That I was failing
To endure 

Because, you see, 
He'd been taken
From me 
In the most horrific way
To witness 
If you've never seen it
I can tell you, 
With feeling, 
Cancer 
Is a cunt
Of an illness 

So I began
To write again
As a way 
To express 
My emotions 
Thinking, 
At best, 
I might get 
Some rest
If I recorded 
My rambling notions 

I knew
From the start 
Some readers 
Would baulk
At what I had
To lay bare
Suicidal thoughts 
And self harm, 
Of course, 
All referenced 
Without a care

But I had to be 
Authentic 
To me 
And reflect 
What I 
Was feeling 
Even though I knew 
The words 
I'd spew 
Might leave 
More sensitive readers
Reeling 

And yet here 
I have found
Such a welcoming crowd
Who've helped me
Hugely 
When times were tough 
For their patience,
Kindness, 
And understanding 
I could never 
Thank them 
Enough 

So if you find
From here on in
That I am not posting
As often 
Please know that you are, 
In no small part, 
The reason
I've started 
To soften 

As for me 
Well, I will see
If I can continue 
To reduce 
My pain
But I will take
Some comfort
And feel
A little triumphant 
Knowing, 
At least, 
I entertained 

❤️