Category: Laughing

#21 The Peddler

Drink this magic potion, dear

In its benefits place your trust

For come midday tomorrow

When your life’s still a shit show

You won’t see me for dust

6

Harsh Truths

I used to think

I was pale

And interesting

Now I realise

Not only

Could I do with a tan

I am actually

Just dull as fuck

30

Boiling Frogs

It’s pretty hot in here

He said

Do you think we should leave

We’ll be here until we die

She said

Stop being so fucking naive

17

Preoccupation

I sit and wonder

If the weather today

Will be any less shit

Than before

Oh, who am I kidding

The clouds are forbidding

So it’s obvious

What’s in store

21

This Coastal Town

I love living here

Next to the sea

On my cosy little croft

But the seagull noise

When I’m trying to sleep?

That can fuck right off

43

Breakfast

I know that it

Has been a while

But sure as eggs is eggs

You do have such

A winning smile

And a cracking pair of legs

32

An Irish Confirmation

When he spoke

The congregation gasped

For what they heard

Could not be grasped

As the Saint he uttered

When the priest had asked

Was Judas

Then in the carnage, basked

22

Sex With The Ex

There’s a small amount of comfort

But it quickly becomes a chore

And when he tries to converse

You remember why he’s such a bore

10

Out Of Puff

We’ve got to move quickly

He said

Time is of the essence

Just go ahead without me

She said

I haven’t run since adolescence

17

Bodily Functions

If I could

He said

I really would love

To lie with you forever, like this

Really

She said

I couldn’t be arsed

Now shift – I need a piss

22

Conflicting Stories

I gave you everything I could

He said

Even if you don’t remember it

You gave me hell, heartbreak and hepatitis

She said

And your dope was shit

6

Ode To A Cockroach

You have no heart

You have no soul

Just crawl back

Into whatever hole

You came from

And die, motherfucker, die

(Originally Posted 03.08.2019)

43

Vaya Con Dios

Is this why we were put here

She said

To worship his favourite son?

I’m fucked if I know

He said

So let’s just have some fun

11

Overlooked

What would it take

For you to notice me

Wear a skimpy dress

Paint my lips so readily

Well all I have is my words

So I guess that counts me out

As there’s nothing at all about them

That suggests I’d like to hangout

17

Hecklers

Has 
anyone 
ever
told 
you to
stop

He 
said 

With 
these 
bullshit 
rhymes 
you 
spew 

Oh 
many, 
many 
times

She 
said

And 
I told 
them
to piss 
off 
too
33

Goodbyes

So long

Farewell

Auf Wiedersehen

Adieu

I never liked you anyway

Or the rest of your fucking crew

32

Shit Show

It 
can't
get 
much 
worse, 
can it? 

He
said 

Than 
the 
year 
that 
has 
just 
passed

Well 
you've 
fucking 
jinxed
it 
now

She
said

That 
you've 
gone 
and 
bloody 
asked!
4

The Ballad Of Boxing Day

Is that it now

He said

Have the bells rung out?

I cannot eat another sprout

Oh shut your face

She said

All you’ve done is moan

You’ll be spending next year

On your fucking own

14

Rusty

Please
don’t
be
scared

He
said

There
really
is no
need

It’s only
because
it’s been
a while

She
said

Since
I’ve
done
the dirty
deed

15

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