Progress

I cry a lot more now

Even at the silliest thing

My therapist says it’s better

Than trying to keep it all in

22

Rent Free

You’ve now outstayed a welcome

That you were never fucking given

So if you would kindly

Piss off please

I can get back to living

2

Honesty At Year Three

So today marks the beginning

Of WordPress year three

Happy two year anniversary to me

Quite a lot has changed

Since that first post

Not least the number of people

Seemingly engrossed

In reading my innermost thoughts and feelings

Which I admit even now

I have a hard time believing

For there are far more talented writers here than me

Whose focus isn’t madness, sadness or profanity

Yet as I’ve looked back over posts of the past

I see my words gradually getting lighter

Perhaps this is due, in part,

To my life being that little bit brighter

So, I hear you ask, will my future posts just become asinine?

Well, I suppose, your guess is as good as mine

But one things for sure

You’ll still find me here beneath the armour

Writing, posting and chatting

As your ever grateful Little Charmer

57

Writer’s Block

I try to write but the words fail.

Sit, think, smoke, exhale.

As I reach for the coffee cup,

I wonder if my time is up.

Have I forgotten you,

Is that what this is?

The reason I can no longer write this shit?

Or could it be this depression is finally lifting?

Maybe the all encompassing darkness is shifting?

Perhaps after all this time my heart is mended.

And my love affair with words has ended.

(Originally Posted 11.08.2019)

28

My Younger Self

If I spent time with my younger self, what would I say?

Well done for putting up with this bullshit every day

If I spent time with my younger self, what would I see?

A weary acceptance that life isn’t all it’s cracked up to be

If I spent time with my younger self, what would I feel?

An overwhelming sadness that time will never heal

If I spent time with my younger self, what would I do?

Tell them to pack a bag and run away with you

(Originally Posted 24.07.2019)

12

If You Like

Stitch my wounds, if you like
I want to feel the pain
Don't call me a silly girl
For I'll only do it again

Ask me why, if you like
But you will never understand
The need, the comfort, the urgency
Those scissors close at hand

Leave me here, if you like
Walk away if you dare
Just remember I never asked for your help
Or your tender loving care

Forget I exist, if you like
It will not bother me one bit
For I'll always have my trusty blade
And carry my own first aid kit

(Originally Posted 08.04.2019)
4

The Faceless Female

She’s back again,
the little control freak,
whispering from my shoulder.

She never really goes away,
despite my efforts to brush her aside
or however much I grow older.

I’ve never once turned to look
at her whilst I try hard to
drown out her speech.

But I never forget
she’s there, berating me,
and bleeding me like a leech.

(Originally Posted 04.08.2019)

17

Fate

I wish I’d never met you.

Life would be easier then.

If I’d never met you

I wouldn’t have to forget you.

And I would be happier then.

(Originally Posted 09.03.2019)

3

Bottled Memories

I’m glad
I kept
your aftershave,
so that I
can wear
it too.

It’s the
only thing
that I
have left,
that keeps
me close
to you.

(Originally Posted 14.06.2019)

18

If He Goes, I Go

When he asked if she was OK, she smiled and nodded her head.

She didn’t have the heart to tell him she wished that she was dead.

When he brushed the tears from her eyes, she winced and turned away.

She didn’t have the heart to tell him she wished that he could stay.

When he held her for the last time, she knew she would get her wish.

She didn’t have the heart to tell him she’d already planned for this.

(Originally Posted 23.06.2019)

14

Sometimes

Sometimes it's easy to think about you.
Our memories overwhelm me,
I feel the touch of your hand in mine,
and my eyes sparkle with joyous delight.

Sometimes I can't think about you at all.
My brain shuts off the pathway to the pain, 
My lungs stop taking in air,
and my heart, momentarily, stops beating.

Sometimes it's easy to talk about you.
Words fall from my mouth, 
stories flow like vintage wine, 
and my smile is as wide as the horizon.

Sometimes I can't talk about you at all.
Sentences fail to form in my head, 
my voice dries up like a parched riverbed, 
and my mouth is clamped like a vice.

(Originally Posted 22.03.2019)
15

The Siren

I hear her calling my name,
Luring me to the murky depths.

Her song, beckons me.
Her promise, tantalises me.

I am compelled to listen.
I am urged to respond.

But she is all the way out at sea,
And I never learned to swim.

(Originally Posted 23.04.2019)

9

Murderer

My heart is empty now;
it can never be filled.

My life is over now;
my spirit you have killed.

(Originally Posted 16.07.2019)

28

Random #54

‘So you can wipe off that grin

I know where you’ve been

It’s all been a pack of lies…’

10

Oscar

'The reed used to like the rain...

... But that was merely her selfishness'
3

Wilderness

Never amongst so many people

Have I felt so alone

I really do not want to stay

But know I can’t go home

Yet for all the kindness

And love I’ve been shown

I still cannot face another day

Here on my own

(Originally Posted 01.06.2019)

22

‘A New Hope’

I don’t want to go back, actually

My old normal kinda sucked

Whereas my life now

Doesn’t seem somehow

So irrevocably fucked

14

Ice

I suppose I should be happy the sun is shining again,

Feel a spring in my step at the lighter evenings,

Be comforted by the warmth on the back of my neck.

But I couldn’t give a shit.

It means nothing.

None of it melts the ice in my heart.

(Originally Posted 21.03.2019)

4

Self Worth

I’d give you my heart,
But it’s not worth me trying

I’d give you my body,
But it’s not worth your touch

I’d give you my soul,
But it’s not worth my crying

I’d give you my life,
But it’s not worth very much

(Originally Posted 19.04.2019)

18

The Long Goodbye

I’ve never loved myself

So I didn’t expect you to either

Thank you so much for trying,

However,

But I knew we’d achieve neither

8

Unknown Rules

The more I try to join in
The more it seems
Love is a game
No one taught me
How to play

(Originally Posted 01.06.2019)

9

The Noose Tightens

Today has
been like
scratching
a brick wall

I didn’t
see this
one coming
at all

Everything
I’ve done
has made me
feel worse

I cannot
shrug this
nightmarish
curse

It feels
ridiculously
melodramatic
to say

But I
really don’t
think there’s
another way

All that
appeals
to me now
is that rope

As finally
it seems I’ve
abandoned
all hope

(Originally Posted 21.08.2019)

24

Try Harder Next Time

The monster who lives

Under my bed

Whispers again

Why aren’t you dead

Berating me

For writing instead

When all the time

That rope’s still in the shed

8

The Hangman

I really
try my
best to
cope and
not just
sit around
and mope
but as
time moves
on I
know there’s
no hope
I can
forget the
past and
avoid the
rope that
silently
whispers my
name

(Originally Posted 02.07.2019)

12

Finally

I wonder what you’ll all say,

When I finally go away.

I wonder what you’ll all think,

When off into the shadows I slink.

I wonder if you’ll all stop and stare,

When you finally realise I’m no longer there.

(Originally Posted 25.06.2019)

13

Another Wasted Day

It’s four twenty five in the afternoon and I’m still lying in bed.

Trying, in vain, to sleep away the thoughts inside my head.

Perhaps I should get up and go out for a bracing walk instead.

It has to be better than staying in here and wishing I was dead.

(Originally Posted 22.06.2019)

12

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