You really shouldn’t wait
He said
Who knows what could happen next
It really wouldn’t matter
She said
As I’m far too fucking depressed
"All my life's buried here, heap earth upon it"
You really shouldn’t wait
He said
Who knows what could happen next
It really wouldn’t matter
She said
As I’m far too fucking depressed
I commend
Your curiosity
I absolutely do
The fact
That I’m not
Remotely arsed
Says far more
About me
Than you
It’s hard to consider
Giving much more
When your mind is weak
And your heart is sore
Cardiac Arrest
My heart
has been
aching
all day
Nothing
has made
the pain
go away
Perhaps
this will
finally be
the end
And I’ll
no longer
have to
pretend
(Originally Posted 21.01.2020)
I’ve felt this way
For some time now
And yet I still plod on
Perhaps this is just
My normal now
And it’s hoping for more that’s wrong
Zestless
Finally
dropping
into
bed
Knowing
I couldn’t
have done
any more
There is
no point
in setting
an alarm
As
there’s
nothing
to wake
up for
(Originally Posted 24.10.2020)
You’re actually quite romantic
He said
When you put your mind to it
But therein lies the problem
She said
I just can’t be arsed to persue it
When Lightning Strikes
It’s like
we’ve been
connected
forever,
he said,
but it’s only
been a minute
However long
it’s been,
she said,
I can’t
remember
life without
you in it
(Originally Posted 12.09.2019)
It was about
My job this one
And how I could
No longer empathise
Even three years on
The desire is gone
And my apathy
Pretty hard to disguise
New Life
I’m still
nowhere
near the
same
She
said
Something
inside me has
permanently
changed
I can no
longer
play
this game
She
said
Unless a
new life
can be
arranged
(Originally Posted 14.08.2019)
That is the difference
Between you and me
I have no interest
In all of this
Whilst you are happy to be
The Silent Killer
I’m just sitting here,
Waiting it out,
Biding my time.
Soon,
The axe will fall.
And it’ll all be over.
Thankfully.
(Originally Posted 30.04.2019)
Now
I am just
Still
Every Day
Still hoping,
Still waiting,
Still holding,
Still wanting.
Still thinking,
Still grieving,
Still trying,
Still giving.
Still caring,
Still feeling,
Still crying,
Still fighting.
Still breathing,
Still living,
Still believing,
Still loving.
(Originally Posted 17.04.2019)
Your silence
Tells more of a story
Than your words
Ever could
Tell me
Who it works out for
In the end
And don’t lie
Because I’ll know
Well that’s me back
In the doldrums again
Months of progress
Down the drain
I can no longer be bothered
With any motivation to find
For it’s clear now nothing will fix
This fragile mind of mine
With my self care
On the floor
The noose tightens
That little bit more
I couldn’t care
Any less
If you cared
Any more
For nothing now
Can stop me
From walking
Out this door
Is this all there is now
Just sitting here killing time
Waiting for the next one to come along
Getting stoned and drinking wine
You see I’d rather not bother
Wasting all this time and effort
I’d prefer to end it here and now
And all my earthly ties sever
Does anybody know
What we are searching for?
Or where we’re supposed to look?
Because my motivation
Is fading
And it’s getting harder to give a fuck
It’s four twenty five in the afternoon and I’m still lying in bed.
Trying, in vain, to sleep away the thoughts inside my head.
Perhaps I should get up and go out for a bracing walk instead.
It has to be better than staying in here and wishing I was dead.
(Originally Posted 22.06.2019)
I wake up with Harry the cat walking over my face. Fuck, is my first thought. It’s Saturday.
Saturdays have become the most difficult day since you’ve gone. Saturdays mean at least forty hours must pass before I can go to work and have something to distract my mind from this impenetrable sadness. I count the days in my head. Thirteen weeks. You died thirteen weeks ago today.
I push Harry off the bed and turn onto my side. I pull the duvet around my neck and scrunch up my eyes, trying to block out the daylight seeping in from the window. If I can just go back to sleep, even for a little while, at least I won’t have to face being alone with my thoughts. I try hard to think of nice things and to drift off back to sleep.
Of course, it is to no avail. Apart from the fact that my toes are poking out from the bottom of the bed and are in danger of being shred to ribbons by a predatory Harry: I need a piss.
With a heavy sigh I sit up. Carefully, keeping the duvet around my neck to ward off the impending chill, I hunt around the bed for the remote control and turn on the TV. I’m amazed at how reliant I have become on this screen. It’s on more often than off now – the inane chatter of random talk shows preferable to the otherwise morbid silence.
When Harry’s cute (but really fucking annoying) meowing finally becomes too much to bear, I haul myself out of bed. Pulling on yesterdays t-shirt and joggers from the floor I walk through to the kitchen. Harry weaves in and out of my legs causing a near catastrophe more than once. I look in his dish – little bastard still has half a meal left from last night. There was no need for him to wake me up at all.
He’s a poor wee thing though. He’s been finding it hard too, since you died. He doesn’t like being alone much either. I top up his food and water bowl and he tucks in appreciatively. I give him a pat and head to the bathroom.
As I move my hands in and out of the tap water I examine my face in the mirror. Just look at the fucking state of me. At thirty eight I’m not exactly in the prime of my life, but still, really?! This is what I look like now? Jesus.
My hair is greying, my face is blotchy and bloated and my eyes are like piss holes in the snow. Thankfully my clothes hide the worst of the scarred, stretch marked, cellulite ridden body I know fine well I live in. To have to look at that this morning would really push me over the edge.
I go back to the bedroom and jump back into bed. As I get comfortable Harry comes to join me, settling on top of the duvet for cuddles. At least I have him I think. It’s better than no one, and I’ll take all the friends I can get right now. I need them since you died.
I reach for my other friend – a cigarette – and I am momentarily soothed as the nicotine rushes through my blood stream.
I consider getting up, getting dressed and going in to town to buy some shit I neither want or can afford. It’s how I’ve tried to fill the gap, since you died.
I remember it hasn’t worked the last two Saturday’s, so there’s no point trying again today. I set the TV to put itself to sleep in half an hour and settle back down again. I pull the duvet around my neck and close my eyes – Harry still purring away beside me.
The days news is burbling away in the background. Some cold and unfeeling male voice is revealing that, apparently, five people in China have died from a mystery illness. Definitely best not to go out today then. I drift off into a restless sleep.
I wake up with Harry the cat walking over my face. Fuck, is my first thought. It’s still Saturday…
(Originally Posted 03.03.2019)
‘Choppy waters ahead, Captain, but I see dry land on the horizon’.
‘Drop anchor here then, Sailor, for I’d prefer to die in the storm’.
(Originally Posted 27.03.2019)
At this point I just want to feel
It matters not what or who
But this world has lost its appeal
So what is a girl to do?
I already want to go back to sleep
And I haven’t even woken up yet
(Originally Posted 08.04.2019)
Poor
mePoor
mePour me
anotherI don’t
want to
go home(Originally Posted 10.05.2019)
Hi,
Sorry I’m late.
I didn’t want to come
And I already want to go home.
Where’s the booze..?
(Originally Posted 19.04.2019)
As I stand here I wonder…
Who would care, really?
Who would cry?
Who would be bothered to stop and ask why?
Should I? Shouldn’t I?
I couldn’t really go through with it though, could I?
Who would laugh?
Who would sigh?
Is it even possible from up this high?
And then I jump.
Without another care in the world,
or even so much as a goodbye.
(Originally Posted 17.06.2019)
Never more than when
I’m in a room full of people
Do I feel most alone
All I want to do is beat
A slow, silent, steady retreat
And find my sanctuary at home
Who knows
And, quite frankly,
Who cares
Shout
as much
as you
want
Loudly
bang
your
drum
For I
won’t be
joining
in
I’m
far too
fucking
numb
I went back to bed
Three times today
To try to dream
This pain away
But it didn’t work
And now I’m awake
Do I have any choice
But my life to take?
Finally
dropping
into
bedKnowing
I couldn’t
have done
any moreThere’s
no point
setting
an alarmAs
there’s
nothing
to wake
up for
If
all
your
pills
Don’t
cure
my
ills
Then
why
bother
to
collect
them
If
it’s
a waste
of time
Both
yours
and
mine
Then
perhaps
I should
reject
them
You’ve
been
on my
mind
today
More
than
any
other
time
If only
it had
inspired
something
epic
And
not this
fucking
awful
rhyme
I
could
lie
here
and
fade
away
I’m
neither
here
nor
there
Not
that
I expect
you
would
notice
Or
that
you’d
even
care
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