"All my life's buried here, heap earth upon it"
It’s killing me. This guilt. Every time I go out. I speak to someone and I feel guilty for laughing. I talk about you and I feel guilty for crying. I feel like every one is watching me, secretly whispering, and I feel guilty for being such an arrogant prick. I think everyone is judging me, pitying me and I feel guilty for not having more faith in people.
So I’m just going to stop going out. As it will finish me off eventually. This guilt.
Paltry, trite sentiment
Faux hurt and pain
Superficial, artificial compassion
Feigned sadness and tears
You've got no fucking idea how this really feels
Grief Vampire
Just piss off back to your crypt
And leave me in peace
I should stop driving late at night.
Especially on country roads.
It’s becoming far too tempting not to press the foot brake.
And I’m not afraid of the darkness…
She remembers she is hungry. She shoves a hand inside the leg of her boot.
Nothing.
She finds herself in Blythswood Square. The shadowy figure approaches her, but she is not afraid. It’s the fourth one tonight.
‘Twenty quid with’ she replies, ‘Twenty five without’.
She leads him down the darkened alley. Still, she is not afraid. He won’t last. They never do.
She reaches for the tissues from her pocket and wipes between her legs. She drops them to the ground as she slides the twenty pound note down into her boot. She puts the fiver inside her bra.
She strides down to Queen Street Station and pays the fifty pence to use the loo. It feels good to wash the stains from her body.
She ambles back up towards Sauchiehall Street to her favourite take away. She eats two slices of pizza with extra jalapenos, hoping to burn the taste of the men from her throat.
She stands outside, smokes a cigarette, and wonders what to do. She trudges back towards Blythswood Square.
Just two more, she thinks. Two more and I can go home.
I think we should stop seeing each other.
I can’t stop thinking that something is going to go wrong and we are going to get found out. I feel so much guilt about what we’ve been doing – it’s not fair on her, you or me. It’s not right that we have to keep our relationship a secret. It means I cannot let you get close to me and you deserve more than that. You need someone who can show off what a brilliant guy you are. Not someone who has to hide you away. Like me.
I want you to know that the times we have shared have been really special to me. I’ve enjoyed every second I’ve spent with you and that’s what makes this so much harder. But it has to be done. Although it kills me to say it: we cannot carry on. I love you with all my heart but putting an end to this now will be the best thing for us both in the long run.
I’ll never forget our time together. I’ll treasure the memories of our clandestine meetings forever.
Please don’t forget me. I know I’ll never forget you.
I’m sorry.
It’s like you’ve been round at your pals house for the evening, and you’re going to call me in a minute to tell me you’re on the bus home…
But you never call…
You said I was the only one who made you laugh.
You said I was the only one who made you cry.
You said I was the only one that made you feel safe.
You said I was the only one you could trust.
You said I was the only one who made you feel special.
You said I was the only one that mattered.
You said I was the only one who taught you patience.
You said I was the only one who taught you to be happy.
You said I was the only one who taught you to love.
Then you left.
And I was the only one who cried.
Today, I choose not to jump.
Tomorrow, who knows.
I am already standing too close to the edge…
The thing is
It was just so much easier
When I didn't care
Sometimes
I just have nothing left
To give
'Can I get you anything?'
'A reason for living would be nice.'
I know you’re there…
I've been here so many, many times before
I'm just fucking bored now.
Bored with the fucking lot of it.
It's pointless now.
Not that there ever was a point, obviously.
Je Suis Morte.
I Fucking Wish.
We are so close but so far away
You are listening and so am I
You remember and so do I
If only things were different
But they never could be
No-one is that lucky
'It is what it is'
After all
Ramblings Of A Fragile Mind 